Jonestown’s Economic Stimulus Package


After watching, my initial question was-

I wonder if “Fair and Balanced” Fox News had a Follow-Up, and asked those Know Nothing Assholes to Apologize?

My favorite quote came from Droopy Dog Ben Stein (God Almighty, what a Pseudo-Intellectual Shit Heel!)-

Well, the Financials, as I keep saying, are just Super Bargains. I predicted like, uh, Merill Lynch, which is an Astonishingly Well Run Company.

Here’s what happened to those “Well Run Companies” Selected by that Parade of Dimwits-

1) Bailed Out

2) Bought Out

3) Bankrupt


Forget forcing them to Apologize, they should be Forced to stay in their Basements for the Rest of Their Lives.

Oh, they should also be Forced to Pay Back anyone who Listened to Their Advice.

Speaking of “Pay Backs.”

According to the Department of Labor, there are approximately 146,743,000 people currently Employed in the United States. Of those 146 million people, around 2.3% earn $250,000, and above (3.3 Million).

So, here’s my Suggestion for a Real “Economic Stimulus Plan.”

Instead of giving the “Bail Out” Money to a Bunch of Greedy, Ungrateful Bastards, how about Dividing that *Trillion Dollars equally among the 143 Million Americans Making Less Than 250 Grand?

That’s about $7000 a Piece.

Now, I know we’re not talking about Lottery Money, but $7000 would help A LOT of People.

Think about it, Millions of Americans could pay off that Particularly Pernicious Credit Card or they could Pay Off Their Car or, if nothing else, they could Pay Their Mortgage for Three, Four, Five, Six Months.

I know what you’re thinking-

Dumbasses are going to take that money, and buy Rims for their Geo’s or they’ll Restock their Meth Labs.

I’ve Already Anticipated Such a Problem.

Here’s the Solution.

The Government doesn’t Give the Money Directly to Us, but, instead, pays the Money directly toward the Bill/Bills of Our Choice.

This would “Stimulate” the Economy in a Couple of Ways.

1) It would Allow Millions of Americans to Go Out, and Acquire Newer, Shinier Debt.

2) I imagine some people owe money to the companies Begging to be “Bailed Out.” They might not get their Billions, but, at least, they’d get Something.

Genius, I Know.

But Wait, There’s More!

As a Thank You to the American People, who out of the Kindness of Their Hearts Promised Not to Drag Their Sorry Asses Through the Streets, the Fired CEO’s from the Banks, Mortgage Companies, and Automobile Manufacturers would agree to Sell Off ALL of Their Assets, and use the Proceeds to Build the World’s Largest Amusement Park.

Admission will be Free, as will the Games, and Food.

To Earn their Keep, said CEO’s will take Turns Manning the Various Dunking Booths until they are either too Old to Climb into the Tanks, or, they Die from Alcoholism.

Oh, their Trophy Wives will be sent to Plastic Recycling Centers around the Country where, after being Melted Down, they’ll be made into Toothbrushes, Cheesy Combs, and CD Cases.

The only thing I cannot Decide On is, what do we name the Amusement Park?

Any Ideas?

*I read at Tengrain’s house, that the Bail Out Money is, Eventually, going to be around 7 Trillion Dollars. If that’s the case, then every American making less than $250,000 would Receive $49,000 instead of $7000.


~ by fairlane on November 25, 2008.

12 Responses to “Jonestown’s Economic Stimulus Package”

  1. It is astonishing how deep a hole Chimpy & Co. have dug in such a short amount of time.

    Let’s hear it for Trickle Down!



  2. This is the most astonishing thing economically I’ve observed or studied in my entire life as a student and practicioner.

    Trickle Down economics is the biggest pile of bullshit ever invented. The inventors themselves, David Stockman and Martin Feldstein, both wrote books describing exactly how wrong they were and how bad it is and how fraudlent and destructive to society it is. Yet, not only did Chimpy allow for shit to go on that Stockman in the early Reagan years wouldn’t have dreamt of, the economic debate has been pushed to such a weird place that I can say without any hesitation whatsoever that Barack Obama’s economic policy or lack thereof is far more extremist trickle-down than Reagan’s was.

    Fairlane, you have to listen to Thursday’s show. The topic Torrance and I are discussing is: “Is Barack Obama An Economic Terrorist?” He has bought in totally to something that’s beyond Reagan.

    This non-specific ad-hoc indefinite series of bailouts is the greatest crime ever perpetrated in the history of mankind. It is worse than Manifest Destiny. It is worse than the Crusades. Perhaps, it’s not as bad as American Slavery or Nazism. It’s far worse than European colonialism.

    It is so bad that anyone who makes a conservative critique of the policy is called “loony left”. To make a critique like yours, I predict, in two years will be a felony.

    I know this shit backwards and forewards because it’s my fucking work. It’s my life. Everything I’ve ever trusted about even a total Milton Friedman free-market arrangement which I disapprove of has been thrown out the window.

    Henry Paulson, Chimpy and Gumdrop have among them destroyed 400 years work in the development of the principles of corporate finance. They have destroyed 300 years work in the principles of double-entry accounting. They have created a financial system of chaos which floats on a completely contextless sea of Jello.


    Bush was definitely a Stalinist. Gumdrop is worse. He seems to want even whatever inefficient and unfair and cruel rules of Stalinism done away with such that he and whoever else is in charge can make it all up as they go along. This is THE AUTUMN OF THE PATRIARCH. Exactly. There is no history. There is no present. There is no future. There is only the whims of one fancy Amway salesman and his cronies.

  3. It is the tragegy of the USA that neither Dennis Kuncinich nor Ron Paul were as “handsome” as Barack Obama. They were speaking the truth from different perspectives but the same truth over and over and over again in every debate. Everybody else was lying through their teeth.

  4. Addendum: What Keslo said.



  5. I can’t come up with a name for the amusement park, but I got a name for a ride. Paulson’s Golden Parachute. That’s the ride where you’re taken to the top of the ride in a corporate jet, then allowed to bailout onto $7 trillion bed of Benjamins.

  6. spartacus, what if the riders are regular shlubs like us? No parachute, or a pool filled with electric eels?

    I’ll admit, I might buy some weed with some of that seven grand, but fuck, I’ll be paying my bills. And I need a reliable car.

    Oh, Dennis, why couldn’t you be as handsome as I? If only you wore a monocle. It’s why Williard the Magical Underpants Guy might be taken seriously yet again in 2012. I don’t care where the best ideas come from, that’s the dude or chick I want to vote for.

  7. Trickle down my ass, it’s golden showers for all of us and the parachutes for the very very very greedy fucks who got us here. Someone should be checking Chimpy’s pockets on the way out the door, cause I’m betting he’s leaving town with at leas one of those trillions.

  8. To Kelso’s point. We are a really shallow people.

  9. How about naming it ‘Credit Default Swap Acres’?

  10. I would feel very stimulated by $49,000.

  11. The trophy wives should be melted down to make Geo’s or Cavaliers.
    Imagine the savings.

  12. Fairlane, your plan is certainly better than the one we’re stuck with.

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