A Sense of What Matters


Originally posted on November 25, 2007

Happy Belated Anniversary!

My sister got married last month. It was a Lesbian wedding.

My first, and hers as well.

She was engaged to some little Dweeb many years ago, but as I told our resident stalker, “You are who you are. Eventually, you have to own up. She called it off at the last minute. Thank God, too. For a time, I thought I may have to stuff him into a 50 gallon drum and dump him in the River.


So it’s everyone’s first Lesbian wedding, and after the pre-requisite Flannel, and Mullet Jokes are long over, I find myself watching my sister, and her Wife dancing during the Reception.

It was nice, albeit strange, watching them, and then looking around the room at my Mom, Step-Father and all their Wingnut friends. I wondered what they were wondering,

“Do people go to Hell if they attend Gay Weddings?” Or “I can’t believe I voted for that Fuckwit George Bush. Twice!” Or maybe, “I can’t believe I married a woman; that Mexican waiter is a Hot Fucking Tamale!”

I must admit my Mother took it extraordinarily well. In fact, on the way to the Wedding she said,

“You know, they say as you get older you become more Conservative, but that’s simply not true. You actually become more Liberal.” (Now, she doesn’t mean you become more “Democratic,” no one should ever do that, she means your views change, and things that once seemed important don’t seem so important anymore).

“Huh?” I responded.


In case you never noticed, I tend to be a Sarcastic young Lad, and I cannot tell you how much I wanted to chime in on that statement after years of arguing with her about her Political Choices (“They hate your daughter because she’s Gay. They hate me because I’m a Superhero. Shit, they hate you. What in the Fuck are you doing?”)

(Unlike Chimpy, that is not a Sock)

Taxes is what it boiled down to, $$Fucking Taxes$$

But Gandhi was watching over me, and instead of arguing we Enjoyed the moment in silence.

As the Dance goes on (Some Shitty song no less. All the Lesbians I know have Horrific Taste in Music) the room is calm, and no one is worrying that two women are married or that one of the waiters is Mexican because None of that Bullshit Matters.

Before we Proceed let me say,

I’m not pretending to be an “Open Minded” person who embraces all those around me as brothers/sisters. I’m not, and I don’t.

Thanks for your attention.

The vast majority of “Issues” that consume so many Americans are of no consequence to me.

Do I understand homosexuality? No, but at this point, human relationships in general perplex me, and there’s enough on my plate to keep me busy without bringing more problems into the mix.

These “Hot Button Issues”; Gay Marriage, Abortion Rights, Flag Burning, etc simply do not resonate.

Yes, I have opinions, but on a day to day basis they barely register on my Internal Richter Scale.

In fact, I think I spent a total of 15 minutes coming to a conclusion about the “Gay Issue.”

“Why is this something I need to be thinking about? Who the fuck cares? Yep, this is a complete Non-Issue.”

Again, I’m no expert on being “Gay,” but it seems to me the only people who spend much time thinking about Gay related activities and/or behaviors are, Gay People.

Maybe I’m a freak, but when I think about Sex and/or Sexuality, I’m thinking about Vagina’s.

I know, I know, I’m just not a “Real American.”

(I’ve been saying that for 20 years).

I can’t help but laugh when I hear someone utter the phrase “Gay Agenda.”

What in the fuck is that anyway?

The “Gay Agenda?”

Do they mean “Gay,” as in Stupid or Retarded?, because if that’s what they mean, then I’m definitely opposed.

But we know that’s not what they mean.

They mean,

“The Queers are out there, right now, trying to Recruit People. They’re going to take over the World, and Destroy the Family. How you can stand by, and let the World be turned into a Gigantic Anus?”

Recruiting People?

Having a vivid imagination, I’ve tried to picture such a Scenario in my head-

“Excuse me sir.”


“Have you ever thought about sucking a dick?”

“Well, other than my own, no, not really. Why?”

“I’m so glad you asked.”

(Pulls some pamphlets and such from the table behind him).

“Sir, I’m here to tell you you are missing out on a tremendous opportunity.”

“I am?”

“Oh yes sir. Here, look at this brochure.”

“What’s this?”

“That sir, is your ticket to Dick Sucking Paradise.”

“I told you, I’m not into sucking dick.”

“Not now you’re not, but if you agree to attend our Camp, where you’ll be surrounded by nothing but men 24/7 for six consecutive weeks, you’ll reconsider.”

“A camp where I’m surrounded by nothing but men for six straight weeks? Do you work for the Marine Corps?”

“Shave my head, sleep with men, where do I sign?”

I know, my scenario isn’t very accurate, but inevitably sucking a dick would have to come up, and I imagine that’s where they’d lose most people.

I don’t know about the Average Wingnut, but I’ve never once left my house thinking,

“I know I’m only going to the Grocery, but please dear God don’t let me end up at some Frat Party making out with the Captain of the Football Team. You know how persuasive those Fag Recruiters can be.”

Of course the response to such obvious ridiculousness is,

“But they’re using Hollywood to poison our children’s minds with their Gay Cartoon Sponges, and Purse Carrying Alien Like Creature Thingamabobs.”

Look, if you’re child’s lifestyle choices are influenced by a Cartoon Sponge or one of those Insipid Teletubbies, you have Bigger Fish to Fry. It’s quite possible your child is already “Gay,” in the Retarded Sense.

Any kid old enough to pick up on a “Hidden Agenda” still watching Teletubbies is either Developmentally Delayed or Seriously Disturbed.

My Daughter is three, and when Teletubbies come on, she says,

“Daddy I don’t want to watch this Baby Show.”

She’s never once said,

“Daddy, I want to Marry a Woman when I grow up.”

And I can’t count how many times we’ve watched the Sponge Bob Movie together, and again, at no point has she picked up the remote, paused the movie, and uttered,

“Daddy, Sponge Bob is really making me question my Sexuality. I think I want to be Gay.”

Utterly ridiculous.

“It’s planting a seed in their little minds, and if we don’t spray now that little seed is going to grow up into an out of control Sexual Deviant.”

“Dude, speaking of spraying, could you please stop humping my leg? You’re creeping me out.”

The fact these discussions even come up, especially on a National Level, is Fucking Embarrassing, and it reflects Poorly on our Country.

The irony in it all is, the people claiming “Fags are out trying to recruit people” are the very Religious Buffoons who spend their lives doing What? That’s right, forever trying to Recruit People.

Oh, I forgot, they call it “Mission Work.”

Maybe Gays and Lesbians should say they are Missionaries. Hell, they might even get a Tax Exemption.

Back to the wedding.

As I said, I’m sitting there watching my Sister dance with her Wife, and like any newly Wed couple they’re doing the Goo-Goo Eye thing, and all the married people are wondering,

“How did my marriage go from that, to this?”

But other than some personal regret, no one cared they were attending a Lesbian Wedding. The kids, including my daughter, were not running around asking about attending Gay Camp next Summer, and no one was contaminated by any “Cooties.”

It was just a Wedding. A time when two people get together, and say,

“Fuck it, why not?”

In other words, they were a couple of Schmoes who wanted the world to know they love each other.

And for the life of me I cannot understand how that’s wrong. Nor can I understand, in a world overflowing with serious problems, why this is the Issue many Americans want to address.

“Get a Brain! Morans.”


~ by fairlane on November 28, 2008.

12 Responses to “A Sense of What Matters”

  1. I remember this one and it’s just as relevant as it was the first time. Speaking of reruns, we watched Borat again tonight for the first time since seeing it in the theater. It remains an incredibly brave indictment of moronic prejudice in this country. ‘Milk’ looks to be well worth our time and ticket money next.

  2. jonesy: When I left home, my gf and I had an apartment 1 block away from the 1st gay district in SF and a few blocks from chinatown. Nothing ever happened although it was uncomfortable to see lots of old guys cruising for the young ones looking 4 it.

    Anyway, the only reason it matters, is the media or whoever wants it to be, or a distraction from real issues that really matter to people, like jobs, health insurance (i haven’t had any since leaving Ca 13 yrs ago, and so far am able to watch what i do with this old body)…..

    Well, you know I don’t need to go on.

    Peace to you and the little one ; )


  3. Anyway, the only reason it matters, is the media or whoever wants it to be, or a distraction from real issues that really matter to people, like jobs, health insurance…

    Astonishing comment.

    Those pesky gays. They’re such a nuisance. If they would only know their place and shut the fuck up and stop demanding equality and the right to marry, then Murika and the media could get back to focusing on the things that really matter and have value.

  4. I really like the way you covered this topic, integrating the personal with the nuttiness in society. The Teletubby and Sponge Bob thing took me back down memory lane. God, the wingnuts were so crazy. Were? Did I say were? Forgive me. Nothing has changed.

  5. “Marriage is neither a conservative nor a liberal issue; it is a universal human institution, guaranteeing children fathers, and pointing men and women toward a special kind of socially as well as personally fruitful sexual relationship. Gay marriage is the final step down a long road America has already traveled toward deinstitutionalizing, denuding and privatizing marriage. It would set in legal stone some of the most destructive ideas of the sexual revolution: There are no differences between men and women that matter, marriage has nothing to do with procreation, children do not really need mothers and fathers, the diverse family forms adults choose are all equally good for children. What happens in my heart is that I know the difference. Don’t confuse my people, who have been the victims of deliberate family destruction, by giving them another definition of marriage.”

    Walter Fauntroy-Former DC Delegate to CongressFounding member of the Congressional Black CaucusCoordinator for Martin Luther King, Jr.’s march on DC

  6. Fitz- The “Radical Leftist Gender War?”

    All I can say is, after reading that on your blog, I laughed.

    From that point onward, I found it difficult to take anything you said seriously.

    Aside from pissing people off, what is it you are attempting to accomplish?

    The impression I got from your blog is, you use the idea of “Debate” as a ruse.

    You seem far more interested in Waxing Superior.

    Unfortunately, that will never work with me.

    You Left Brained types are far too limited, and I’ll do nothing but Frustrate You because I’ll never allow the conversation to go where you want.

    You see, Fitz, you, and I could never Work Out.

    I’m not impressed, in the least, by your Rhetorical Masturbation, your “Studies,” or your attempts to appeal to emotion by evoking the Specter of Institutionalized Racism.

    Here’s my take, Fitz.

    Ninety-Nine Percent of Crusaders are driven by something other than their “Cause.”

    Despite your attempts to come across as an “Intellectual,” you are extremely Emotional, and I’ll never believe the root of your Emotion is based on your love, passion for “Traditional Marriage.”

    That’s Absurd.

    Now, don’t jump the gun, and Assume that I’m Assuming that maybe you’re Homosexual, and that you’re using this issue to deflect attention from yourself.

    Nah, too Obvious.

    But there’s no doubt, whatsoever, that there is far more to this Issue than you are Admitting.

    Your “Intellectual” arguments are too easily dissected. Citing Fauntroy? Really?

    How can blacks oppose gay marriage when they were denied that right when they were slaves?

    Forget not being allowed to marry other “Races,” blacks were not allowed to marry one another.

    Of course marriage was used to reinforce the white, male power structure. Of course marriage is rooted in Patriarchy.

    Here’s the problem, Fitz.

    My interest in not in the “What,” but in the “Why.”

    People like you are incapable/unwilling to discuss the Why, which makes any further discussion, pointless.

  7. I struggled to stop myself from saying this Fairlane…but…here goes… great fucking post. I’m also struggling with the saying this, too… I agree with you 100%. As much I loathe the whole blog cheerleading thing, I found myself nodding in agreement not only with what you posted but your reply to Fitz. As your sister realized in the nick of time, it’s a huge deal to enter into a long-term relationship with someone and it’s really something you don’t want to fuck up. Despite our best efforts, marriage is much like an investment: current returns are no guarantee of future performance. Isn’t this why we wish people a long and happy marriage? So, it is my wish for your sister and her partner: may they enjoy many happy, loving days together.

  8. My interest in not in the “What,” but in the “Why.”.

    They say the success of Marx was to change the topic from Truth to motive.

  9. Fairlane, you commie,

    I remember this post from last year, too, because it is so beautiful.

    Fitz- If you are straight married, I, personally, find what I am imagining you and your husband or wife do to each other very offensive. I am imagining the years and years of misogyny you are procreating. But, that’s just me.

  10. Frieda- Pay him no mind.

    He’s incurious, and fragile, as are all overly left brained people.

  11. I remember this post, too, Fairlane. I liked it then and I like it now.

    As for Fitz – that was a lot of masturbation and no climax, poor thing.



  12. You knock my socks off. Happy anniversary to your sister and her wife.

    I’m happy to report that I’m bisexual not because I once said hi to a lesbian who worked with my mother when I was a kid, but because I like women. Nothing simpler than that.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: