Ultra-Man vs. Mecha-Godzilla or: What Happens to Your Mind When You Live Too Close to a Meth Lab
Due to a recent Spike in Visits from Religious Loonies, Faux “Intellectual” Types, and All Around Tweezer Monkeys, I decided, as a sign of Good Will, to repost this Classic from the Jonestown Vaults. I hope that by doing so, We Can Set Aside Our Differences, Establish Some Common Ground, and Learn to Live Together in Peace, and Hominy.
If not, Eh.
Recently, we here at Jonestown, while digging around in some guy’s backyard looking for gas money, uncovered what, at first glance, seemed to be an old, tattered Porn Mag.
Initially, we thought about throwing it back on the ground because we’re lazy, and no one wanted to carry it. (Besides, three of us already had that issue). But then, out of nowhere, one of our crackpot archaeologists saw something that could potentially change the World.
(Just to make sure, so we didn’t “Rush” to judgment, we brought it back to our lab for further investigation).
And lo and behold, that crack-pipe, I mean crackpot, was right. What we had was a monumental discovery of monumental proportions! We are talking about earth shattering news, more stupendous than Madonna kissing Brittney, more controversial than Jeff Gannon’s Preferred Presidential Press Pass. (Hey, look. Was that Alliteration?) It’s even better than Bush’s “Brokeback Mountain” ensemble he used to wear, until the movie came out, and then he stopped. (Did anyone else notice that? I miss his tight Wranglers. And that Flannel? Lordy, me oh my!)
So, what is it you ask? What can it be? “Is it a book filled with photos from Gannon’s various websites? Is it a book that says “Nuculur” is actually Proper English? Does it have the definition of “Misunderestimate”?” Well, not exactly. In fact, it’s even more gooder than any of those. “Satellite photos of Saddam and Bin Laden exchanging phone numbers, and WMD’s?”
“Come on already what in the Fuck is it?!!?”
Okay, Okay, chill out the last thing you need is the cops stopping by for a “visit” again. Your neighbors are getting suspicious. Maybe the first ten times they can understand, but you’re pushing it, and that chemical smell emanating from your garage isn’t helping. (I’m just Fucking with you, everyone knows it’s a meth lab).
Okay, here goes, after tedious, backbreaking, eye ball straining, neck craning, nose wrinkling, eyebrow wiggling, ear twitching, booger flicking, lip smacking, Newport smoking, bong hitting… yeah, I was Fucking with you again. (Except about the booger part. I recently had one of those “stickers.” You know, the kind that goes from finger to finger no matter how hard you flick it? Anyway).
What we’ve discovered is going to Rock the world, and not in a Bon Jovi kind of way. Nope, it’s far cooler than, and with less “Mall Hair.” Although, the guy sleeping on the floor kind of resembles Ritchie Sambora.
So, we found this book right? I told you that part already didn’t I? This book is something else, and it will once and for all put all those “Godless Liberals” in their place. Yep, it’s that, what you’re thinking right now, no, not that part of your brain, the part that thinks what you were just thinking is nasty, and possibly illegal.
Yes, there it is.
You ever notice that when certain “Christians” talk about the Bible it’s like they were reading a different version than what you’re familiar with? One that talks more about killing, and gay people? Well, that’s because they are reading from a different Bible. And we’ve found the original copy. I know, we thought the same, why would fate lead a group of degenerates to the Discovery of possibly, Ever?! (Personally, I think it was the Mushrooms).
Because of confidentiality concerns, and the fact that a lot of the pages are illegible because they’re covered with the phone numbers, and email addresses of all the male Congressional Pages, we’re not able to share the entire thing, but I can give you a sniff or a taste. (Whatever floats your boat).
For example, did you know that the 10 Commandments are chock full of asterisks? I always thought they were etched in stone (Was that a drum-roll?). It’s true, asterisks, even double and triple asterisks. Take the one that says, “Thou shall not kill.”
Now, a lot of people think that means “Thou shall not kill,” as in, “Don’t be killing fool,” but in reality, there are exemptions. Let’s say you really hate this guy, he’s threatened and kind of embarrassed your father, and he thumbs his nose at you (Oh, and his country is “Strategically Important” b/c he has a lot of Oil). You know the type. Well, not only is it okay to kill him, but you can also pre-emptively invade his country, as long as you have some trumped up “evidence” to support your case. I know, I was shocked.
Oh, and that one about “adultery?” Again, I thought it was pretty black and white; “Don’t be cheatin’ or you’ll pay the Piper.” After all, “Marriage is the Most Sacred of Institutions,” which is why we can’t let gays get their filthy little mitts on it.
Well, in certain circumstances, Adultery is just fine with the Lord, and Creator.
“Thou shall not commit adultery, unless you are engaged in a campaign to completely destroy a political enemy who is also having an affair. Oh, and at least once in your past you deserted a wife while she was on her death bed.”
But there’s more. It also says you can have an affair-
“As long as the person with whom you are having said affair, is not the same sex/gender as your wife, but only, and I Mean, ONLY, if you agree to go to Jesus Camp after you’re caught, and Vow to Not Be Gay Anymore.”
Absolutely blew me away!
But I saved the best for last.
Have you ever thought to yourself?
I don’t remember Jesus going on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on about How Horrible Homosexuality Is.
I must have skipped over those chapters.
Well, that’s because in a sense, you did.
Your Bible is missing Chapters.
Take the Book of How Horrible Homosexuality Is. (It’s right between the Book of I Ain’t Sending My Kids to no Commie College, and Hey, is that Bigfoot?)
Did you know that Jesus gave hundreds of sermons on the subject of Homosexuality? Again, I was unaware. I went to Catholic schools for 9 years, and I don’t remember ever hearing Jesus say a word about the issue.
Of course, “Catholics Ain’t Real Christians,” so, that’s probably why.
Jesus gave some pretty volatile sermons about Queers. In fact, he was outright furious when he spoke about how teh Gays would try to “Ruin” marriage, and use cartoon characters (Some shaped like sponges) to confuse, and derange our children. Why, Jesus said they’d even try to “Recruit” people by setting up booths outside Grocery stores, right next to the Girl Scouts, where they’d hand out fliers, and Penis Shaped Cookies.
It was all there, in black and white.
Hundreds, upon hundreds of pages. As though, whoever wrote the book spent A Lot of Time Thinking, Pondering, Wondering, Researching, and then Writing About Homosexuality.
Actually, it was Kind of Creepy.
I know what you’re thinking.
I thought the same thing.
I always thought Fundamentalist Christians were hypocrites who “Selectively” picked out subjective and/or vague Scriptures in order to justify their propensity to knock around the Old Lady while drinking cheap ass beer, and to rationalize their unnatural preoccupation with other people’s sexual behavior.
And you know what?
It turns out-
We Were Right.