All I Got for Christmas Was a…Crappy Ass Book?


So my sister got me Denis Leary’s new book Why We Suck for Christmas.

I love my sister, but Denis Leary?

Yep, he’s a real Fucking Riot.

I stopped reading after about 20 pages, because there was simply no reason to continue wasting my time.

Denis Leary is NOT FUNNY.

Never Was.

I hate these Fucking “Comedians” who present themselves as, “Straight Shooters.”

If that were true, the first, and only sentence in Leary’s book would be-

I was going to write a book about why Americans Suck, but then it dawned on me, I SUCK TEN TIMES MORE, I apologize.

What really sent me over the edge was the Preface.

In it, Leary warns his audience to prepare themselves to be “Shocked,” “Angered,” and “Offended.”

In other words, he’s really going to Lay It Out, and “Shoot from the Hip” without any regard for “Political Correctness.”

Christ, what a Cunt.

“Political Correctness?”

Who the Fuck uses that Phrase?

Douche Bags, Drug Addled Wingnuts, and Unfunny Comedians who still think the word “Pussy” is Shocking.

You wanna know why Americans Suck?

I’ll tell you why-

Americans Suck because they give Chain Smoking Cliches like Denis Leary, Book Deals.

That’s Why.

Yes, Denis, Americans are “Fat, Lazy, Self-Absorbed, Semi-Comatose, Under Educated, Marginally Literate, Bitterly Unhappy, and Addicted to Simple Carbohydrates.”

I can only assume you missed the Memo back in ’81 because, Brother, that information is more played out than Pics of Brittney Spears’ Un-Pantied Pussy.

Oh, did I mention he dedicates a section in his book to Brittney Spears’ Twat?

He does.



Speaking of Worn Out Pussies getting Book Deals-

What’s up with the Duggar Family?

duggar-family-kidsJust what the World Needs-Eighteen more Incurious White People

I heard they actually had 21 kids, but three of them made the mistake of sitting on mom’s lap, and were never seen or heard from, again-


Here’s an interesting Factoid-

The Duggar’s no longer bring tents along when they take the Kids Camping.

They just have Mom drop her pants, and spread her legs; then they Stake her Labia to the Ground.

But they’re Famous.

For what?

Spitting out kids?

Is that even a Skill?

I’m fairly certain you can become Pregnant, Accidentally.

Would Van Gogh still be considered a “Genius” if Art Historians discovered he  “Accidentally” painted Starry Night by spilling some paint onto a canvas?

I mean, isn’t that what a Pregnancy, for many people, really is, an Accidental Spillage?

Ooops, I think the Condom Broke.

No worries, we’re sure to Get a Book Deal Now!!!

I’m not saying Kids are not Wonderful Creations, some of them are-


Come On, Duggars.

The DNA was already a Tad Thin before you Started Shitting’em Out like someone with Cholera.

Right, Denis Leary (I almost wrote “Timothy Leary.” Damn, if only he were still around. At least LSD was Funny).

The Coup de’ Grace came when I read this “joke”-

If they build a wall to keep out the Mexicans, who’s going to build the wall?


I’m sure Rush Limbaugh considers that Zinger to be a “Classic,” but Rush Limbaugh is so Emotionally Fragile he can’t Hack living without the Assistance of Cheeseburgers, and Oxycontin.

His opinion, unless it’s on the Subject of Being a Guilt Riddled, Obese,  Sanctimonious Junkie, is, Irrelevant.

It’s not that I disagree with Leary’s Thesis-

Yes, We, Americans, Suck.

Everything he says is True.


People like Leary, who get Book Deals only because They’re Famous, are a HUGE Contributing Factor to our Suckedness.

He’s done nothing in his Career to Warrant a Book Deal.


As revenge, Next Christmas, I plan on purchasing my sister Michelle Malkin’s latest book.

I’m sure she has one, after all, God knows Shrill Bitches are a Dying Breed, and we’d better get what one of them has to say on paper before they All Disappear.


~ by fairlane on December 28, 2008.

19 Responses to “All I Got for Christmas Was a…Crappy Ass Book?”

  1. He’s baaaaaaaaaaack!

    Bro, I’ve missed you more than you can know. Get those fingers flexin’, cause there is a lot of work to be done.



  2. Excellent post, Fairlane.
    The Duggar’s no longer bring tents along when they take the Kids Camping.
    They just have Mom drop her pants, and spread her legs; then they Stake her Labia to the Ground.

    Leary can’t touch you. Keep it coming.

  3. Ok, I’ll admit, I was curious about Leary’s book. He does write Rescue Me, which I like, but the book sounded dumb, so thanks for the review.

    Glad to see ya.

  4. It’s the celebrity thing for Leary and the freak show thing for the Duggars.

    And both things suck.

  5. I’m still a little unclear. Do you like or dislike Denis Leary? 🙂

  6. I think you just hate hockey. Go Blue Jackets!

  7. sorry your X-mas was so disappointing, fairlane. sometimes you have to just remember that you are lucky you have someone who, while they clearly demonstrated via this “gift” that they do not understand you intellectually, their heart, i imagine, was completely in the right place. i’m also sure you already know that and don’t need me advising you on this issue.

    but i totally agree that dennis leary totally sucks. but, on a purely physical level, he’s a bit of hunk (in my mind).

    yeah, women can be superficial like that, too.

  8. Yes Leary sucks. This is one reason I refute the law of gravity, what with all these suck-a-tons about. But what I really get out of this post is that Gift Training For Some People is required.

    What you do is purchase absolutely inappropriate and as vile a gift as you can find in return for people Who Give Dumb Presents. They will stop these poor choices long about the time that the whoopee-cushion-with-dial-a-scent shows up at their workplace via FedEx and their co-workers DEMAND that The Present Must Be Opened.

  9. It went over the cliff the day Coca Cola invented Santa Claus.

  10. I’d say cut your sister some slack because I’m sure she meant well, but there are better books she could have given you, right? I’m with PiNYC, that part about the Duggan mom’s labia is off the hook. Maybe you should write a book? I hope.

  11. Dennis Leary doesn’t do anything for me…. but the grinning kid in the post really breaks me up!!! 🙂

  12. Different strokes for different folks.
    Hey Fairlane, do you or do you not make a virtue out of being different ? There ya go.
    Shortage of opinionated females. Egad. Really ?
    I find it hard to believe you said that ! Happy Holidays.

  13. My sister merely served as a mechanism. The real theme is, as a writer, and a friend to many other writers, it galls me that people like Leary get their books published when they can’t fucking write.

    Opit- The bit about “Shrill Bitches” being in short supply was sarcasm.

  14. Timothy Leary

  15. Happy New Year, fairlane to you and the little one.

    Regards to Scarlet if she passes by.

  16. I’m so glad your back. I laughed hard enough to clear my lungs. That was fun so long as I don’t need CPR.

    Happy Happy. And really when are you releasing Scarlet?

  17. Dude, here’s your shrill bitch: All I got for Christmas was a cold, shopping I didn’t want to do, wrapping 40 goddamned presents, fixing a meal that I didn’t want to ( & received one comment on the meal, “where’s the rolls?”) cleaning I did’t want to do, lights I didn’t want to put up, a tree I had to stick in my car on my own, and put up and decorate with reluctant volunteers. I’m so done with Christmas shit. The kid is in college, she got her one last hurrah, mom’s done with this bullshit.

  18. And Oh Yeah, my sister was the one bright spot this year, at least she tried to help.

    Dennis Leary? Guy’s a total reich-wing dickhead. Reich-wingers are NEVER funny.

  19. At least we have sports…(it’s a joke).

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