Junk Limbaugh: Live and Uncensored

Due To The Graphic Nature of This Program Parental Guidance is Advised

(Rated M for Mature)


-(:)-

“Hey kids, Do You Know What Time It Is? What’s that you say? Speak Up! I can’t heared you. There You Go! That’s right, it’s time for The Junk Limbaugh Show! Yeeeeeee Fucking Haw! You Dumb Sum Bitches. Now, let’s give a warm welcome to the One, the Only, The Man with a Plan, and One of The Top Ten Most Dangerous Men In The World; Junk Limbaaaaaaauggghhh!

Thank you, thank you. No, seriously, thank you. Please, everyone be seated. Okay. We’re coming to you live tonight on W-OXY 109Am here at Bump City Amphitheater with Talent on Loan from God. I must say this is the most gorgeous place I’ve ever seen. Reminds me of home. Is that a used refrigerator over there? No, there on its side next to that discarded shower door. That’s it. I might have to check it out after the show, and see if it’s empty or not. You never know, could still be a sandwich or two in there. He, he, he Junk Blimpo (Audience Roars).

Seriously, folks, I’ve lost a lot of weight in the past few years. Yep, that’s what Opiate Addiction, and Multiple Divorces do to a man. Yep, whittle away at him, that’s what they do. Until he’s nothing but a bitter stump…”

rushheehaugh7.jpg (Rush leaving Circuit Court after his THIRD divorce)

“I’m being flippant of course. You know Old Junkie is almost as happy as he was the day he discovered his Parakeet Shit Hydrocodone .

What’s that you say, you wanna talk about what? Well, let’s get to it. That’s why we came isn’t it?

Liberals, as you know, are upset with old Mean Junkie again. (Audience Boos) No, No it’s quite alright, let them fret and fuss all they want. They know they’re dealing with the Most Intelligent Man on Earth, The Fourth Branch of Government, America’s Anchorman, A Weapon of Mass Instruction, and that their whimpers are in vain. They got Imus, but they won’t get me. Run Run as Fast as You can, You can’t catch Me I’m the Ginger Bread Man. Ha ha ha ha ha ha (Audience Joins In, and Two Fist Fights Break Out).

I mean do you all see it the way I do? It’s Fucking incredible how Goddamned Incredible I am. Seriously. I’m probably the Smartest Man in the history of…Hell, Everything. That’s how Stupendous I am. Those Negro Lovin’ Libs are climbing Mount Junkbo now, and they ain’t making it to base camp. If you know what I mean. I doubt you do, but trust me. That was very very clever.

And what’s it all about? Well, the Libtards are accusing me of Race Baiting, and Fanning the Fires of Intolerance. As if. I guess Libs didn’t get enough Joy out of Destroying Christmas, and the American Way of Life. Now, they’re coming after Me.”

geraldlimbaugh.jpg

(Gerald “Sissy Boy” Limbaugh, Rush’s Father, passed out in front of the family home. Easter Sunday, 1963).

“Unfortunately for them, they’re just not intelligent enough to comprehend My Brilliance. By the way, did I ever tell you how Brilliant I am?

No?

Oh, boy, are you in for a Treat.

One time, just to see what it’s  like, I decided to visit one of those Bleeding Heart Liberal Therapist Types. You know, to mess with him, and show him who really has the “Issues.”

Well, right off the bat he starts in with-

“Junk, tell me about your relationship with your father. Were you close? Was he active in your life?”

My father? Look, Doc, I have nothing to say about my Father other than he’s the one who helped Shape Me into the Man I Am Today. Enough said?

“Surprisingly, that tells me a Great Deal. “

Bet your Ass it does.

See, I got this Douche Bag right where I want him. He thinks he’s Shrinkin’ My Head, but that ain’t happenin’. Nothing on God’s Green Earth Has that Kind of Power.

“So, you’d consider your relationship with your father to be a close one?”

I ain’t answerin’ No More of these Silly Questions. How ’bout you answer a question of mine.

“Okay.”

Great. How many Strangers Love You, Doc?

“I’m not sure I understand.”

Of course you do. How many complete Strangers call in to your office just to tell you How Great You Are, and How Much They Love You?

“I imagine none.”

Exactly.

See how I did that? Completely shut him out, I mean, Down. shut him down.

darlaheehaugh.jpg (Darla Limbaugh, Rush’s Mother, after being told someone dropped something “shiny”)

“I superfluously amble on. Forgive me.

Let me conclude by saying-

The only people worse than those PsyCholoGists are the Feminazis you see at demonstrations.

You know the type,  Little Cathy ‘Do These Birkenstocks Match My Armpit Hair?” Afraid-a-Soap. I know you’ve seen her, or at least smelled her. Patchouli still wafting through the air ten minutes after she’s passed. They’re all lesbians anyway.

That’s right. All Liberal Women Are Lesbians regardless with whom they sleep. Come on, let’s be honest, we all know the only thing separating Liberal Women from the men is the Women have more body hair. They both have “Charlie’s Down Under” if you know what I mean. Look at Hillary sometime if you doubt Me.

I digress.”

(Heidi Limbaugh, Rush’s 3rd Wife) heidiheehaugh.jpg

“So, the Liberals are irate with old Junk, and I say Fuck’em, plain and simple. I do what I want because I can, and there’s No One that can Stop Me. Let Al “Not So” Sharpton, and Jesse Jackson line up outside my office and protest all day long. Who are they to judge anyway? How does an ‘Aff-er-can Am-er-i-can’ know what racism is? They don’t get to decide What Is or What Isn’t Racist.

I Do. Mr. Big does.

That’s why they’re called ‘My-nor-tees’. They don’t call the shots, we do, and when I say “We,” you know who I mean.

Junkies.

That’s right.

We Decide.

When you watch these family shows, who is it little Tommy Tiddlebrock Turns To in his Time of need? It’s not Dad, or Mom, or Uncle T.J.  Nope. The first place Tommy goes for sound advice is the local Methadone Clinic. Sure he does. Walks right up to the line, and strikes up a conversation with one of the Kind Folk waiting for their Daily Dose of Opiate Antagonist. That’s where Timmy learns about making good decisions, politics, morality, and living a healthy life. I’m sure there’s some irony I’m missing, but… maybe not.”

unknowndrugden.jpg (Deserted “Drug Den” once frequented by Junk Limbaugh)

“Lookit, I’m so sick of these Blacks with their ‘Racist’ this, and ‘Racist’ that. Like I said, How would they know? Now, I want you to think about that most Faithful of the Faithful. How would some Car Jacking, Chicken Eatin’, Ass Hangin’ Outta Their Pants Negro know? It makes far more sense for the group with the ‘Racist’ History to decide doesn’t it? I mean if anyone knows whether something is ‘Racist’ or not-

It’s a Racist.

These Uncle Toms just want their fifteen minutes, and to take a ride on my coattails. But I’ll be The Last Man Standing.

Besides, if Liberals care so much about Racism, why is it still around? They had power for over 40 years in this country? And what did they do? If “Not So” Sharpton wants to blame anyone, he should blame them. I exist because they failed, and I’m making a comeback, Baby.

Soon, I’ll be able to dismiss Outrage Over a Goddamn Lynching as nothing more than ‘Political Correctness’ gone mad.”

randomdemocrats.jpg

(Couple of Democrats standing around doing Jack Shit while wearing Socks from the Gap).

“Folks, I’m here to tell you that I am the ‘Man King’. I am the Paragon of ‘Intelligent Design.”  Don’t let these Weepy Ninnies discourage you. Never.  We’re not racist because we think tasteless jokes or songs about Race are funny. We’re Racist because we Don’t Like Minorities. Don’t let them tell you otherwise.

They’re name calling only proves  what a bunch of Retarded, Toe Sucking, Queer Loving, Stalin Worshiping Children they are.

We’re bigger than that.

I’m definitely bigger than that.

Hell, I used to be bigger than this.

Man oh Man that Hillbilly Heroin will sure make your head swell something awful, but I love me that Sweet Synthetic Ride………….” (Audience is not sure how to respond, until prompted).

Clap! Let him know, you Flea Infested Trash Cans!!

“Well, folks, I guess that about wraps it up. Once again I proved who’s really Running America, as if that was ever in Doubt. I’d like to thank W-OXY for having me on, and to the proprietors of the beautiful Bump City Amphitheater, I can only say, WOW! This place is like the Taj Mahal without the Towel Heads, and Camel Shit.

Take care loyal “Dittoheads.” Wear your ‘Ditto’ buttons with pride, and let the world know nothing Espouses-

Free Thought

Quite like a Button that says-

I Mindlessly Agree

Now if you’ll excuse me.

dickgeorgerush.jpg


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~ by fairlane on July 31, 2009.

15 Responses to “Junk Limbaugh: Live and Uncensored”

  1. Now that’s a whole lot funnier than Rush’s stupid song about Obama.

  2. It’s just like listening to his show, only without the spittle and flailing of arms!

    Regards,

    Tengrain

  3. With a little fine tuning and a sprinkling of re-write this could be a one man play. You should think about taking it to Broadway or off-Broadway. If half as many ‘Rushie’ right wing republican minded simpletons went to see it as went to see ‘Taladega Nights’ you could retire. The long faces in that theater came after about fifteen minutes, I bet most ‘Rushie’s’ would leave the play still thinking that you had really glorified Rush!

  4. Well now Fairlane…what were you eating when you wrote that last post…LOL
    wasn’t crackers! Or Animal crackers…LMAO…a huge, monumental task in it’s self!

    ~The Baby Boomer Queen~

  5. The blind leading the ignorant leading the brain dead..

  6. Rush’s influence is borderline criminal. TRUE STIRY: A guy in a road rage incident chucked a battery at my car and called me, after a very pregnant pause, OBAMA.
    I was totally flattered and responded by calling him Tripp McCain…then I approached his car…he pulled out mace.

  7. Based on the post and the comments it has inspirted, it appears some of Limbaugh’s most devoted listeners are liberals.

    If not for you characters, I would have no idea what Limbaugh blabbers about.

  8. No Slappz- The fact is, you “have no idea” about most things in life.

    That’s what makes you such a tragic figure.

    I’ve never listened to Limbaugh for more than 10 minutes at a time, and the only reason I listened was because I had no choice.

    I don’t need to hear him, I spent six years of my life working with addicts.

    Funny thing about addicts, they often burn out the people around them faster than they burn out themselves.

    Actually, maybe that’s not funny. Maybe it’s sad.

    He’s the worst sort, Un-recovered, Un-repentant, and grandiose.

    He is suffocating in his denial, and projection.

    Much as I imagine how it is for you.

    Let’s hope you wake up.

  9. What would survive a nuclear holocaust? The usual suspects have been cockroaches and Keith Richards, but I think we can probably add the pill-popping pederast to the list.

  10. fairlane, on top of your belief that contempt equals creativity, there is your other belief that you possess insight into people’s lives. Since you have shown you do not have the slightest idea of my personal experiences and how life has developed my views, it’s easy to see that your insight into others is equally limited.

    Meanwhile, in what seems to be an expression of your conflicting views, I gather you think easier access to recreational drugs is a good idea. But that does not square with your observation that addiction is tougher on people who think they are helping addicts than the addiction is on the addicts themselves.

    For whatever it’s worth, I saw the crack epidemic spring up and go into high gear all around me in the early 1980s. Quite a spectacle. I can think of no reason to stimulate more excess.

  11. no_slappz- why don’t you just admit you’re in love with me, and get it over with?

    i see you, and you cannot stand it.

    it’s okay, a lot of people think they’re in love with me, i’m charismatic, but once you acknowledge your feelings, it will be easier for you to move on.

    alas, and i will be alone…

  12. Woo hoo!

    Fairlane’s back (yeah, I’m a bit slow on the uptake)!!

    Great to read you again, my friend!

  13. fairlane, once again, you show that all you’ve got is sneering contempt.

  14. yawn, don’t you have a job?

    i “have” sneering contempt.

    I don’t “got” sneering contempt.

    speaking of having and gotting, as far as i can tell, other than the handful of people you harass in the blogosphere, you ain’t GOT jack.

    you sure as shit ain’t GOT any readers for that tribute to inanity you call a blog.

    apparently even wingnuts have an aversion to reading long, drawn out rants about niggers, spicks, towel heads, and how if there are any victims in this world, it’s YOU.

    that’s what you don’t see, no slappz.

    your tragedy oozes from your words despite the effort you exert to conceal it.

    you’re afraid of being human, and you’re terrified of your feelings.

    i’m not. i can express my anger however i choose, and then i go on with my day.

    if you ever opened the gates, holy fuck.

    please, feel free to comment some more. try to “GET” to me, to understand me, whatever.

    you remind me of one of my former clients who kept bugging me, and bugging me with nonsense, but really what he wanted to do was cry about his mother’s death.

    honestly, despite my contempt for your cowardice, i find you to be, interestingly enough, a sympathetic figure.

    i GOTS t’ be crazy.

  15. You and me too…here’s to the ‘crack epidemic’ that sprung up all around us.

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