The Zany Adventures of Barack Obama, and His Rainbow People
I decided to Repost this because I know A lot of you out there are Worried about Obama’s sudden Indifference to Health Care Reform.
This one of a kind, “Heard It Here First” Post will not only answer most of your questions, but will also give you an excuse to Get Drunk Every Night for the Next Six Months.
Enjoy.
(Originally Aired- February 20, 2008)
When last we left off, our Intrepid Hero (Barack “Hope-a-Lot Bear” Obama) was defending all that is Hopeful, and Decent against the Nefarious “Borg Queen,” and her Dreaded Band of Negativity Nellies-
“I have a Dream,(1)” and in this Dream I see an America United against the Meanies. The Meanies bent on bringing down our “Rainbow Coalition(2)” of Peace, Love, Understanding, and All Around Beautamusness.
And I ask you, “What’s So Funny ‘Bout Peace, Love, and Understanding?(3)”
Nothing, that’s right. They’re Wonderful, and Fill Our Hearts with an Eternal Hopeful Hopefulness.
In the Face of such a Foe, “Let Us Not Wallow in the Valley of Despair.(1)” Let us not Waiver, we must never Waiver, never Fear because “The Only Thing We Have to Fear, Is Fear Itself,(4)” and the Day we Give into Fear is “A Day Which Will Live in Infamy.(4)”
Yayyyyy!!! Oh, YAAAAYYY!!!! WOOO HOOO!!!!
I Think I Came a Little.
It’s okay my Brothers, and Sisters, for “I Have a Dream,(1)” and in this Dream we all Come Together.
Can you Feel Me?!!!!
WOOOO HOOOO!!! YES, YES, YES, OH MY GOD YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
We must not Let Ourselves be Distracted from the Cornucopia of Yummy Rainbows that Awaits Us.
We Must Focus Our “Eyes On the Prize,(5)” and let the “Light Shine Through.(6)” So,Taste My Rainbowy Goodness, and Fill Yourselves with My Abundance of Sweet Candyliciousness.
“Praise Jesus!(7)”
Yayyyyy!!!! A Wholesome Bounty of Tender Joyfulness!!!!
Yayyyyyy!!!!
That’s Right My Children, Feast, Feast, and Embrace This Bountiful Harvest.
“Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. (1)” I say No!!! NO, to the Negative Nellies, and Their Un-kindlessness.
They have yet to Taste the Candy Corn of Dreams, or the Gumdrops of Sweet Tender Lovedness, and Until They do we Must Not Judge Them or Ask Them to Eat Circus Peanuts no matter how Un-Lovingly they Act.
For they are our Brothers, and Sisters, and We Must Watch After Them. We Must Lead them to Higher Ground. A Higher Ground where Humans, and Rainbows Extend their Hands in Peace, as they Exchange Pleasantries, and Stock Tips.
I’m overcome with your Scrumpdiliciousness. Will you Autograph my Mons?
I Look Forward with Creamy Nougatedness to finding your “Pot of Gold” at the end of my Rainbow My Sister.
BOOOOOOO!!! PHONY!!! FRAUD!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! HISSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!
Hey dude, you’re like bringing the Bad Mojo down on our Parade of Goodliestlessness.
Don’t be a Negative Nellie, turn that Frown Upside Down, and Partake in a Heaping Helping of Healthfullish Hope.
BOOOOOOO!!! SCOUNDREL, SNAKE OIL SALESMAN, FALSE PROPHET, PLAGIARIST!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Do not fret my children. Let me Dish out a Taste of some of Our Goodliness to our Lost Friend.
Patow, Kerblang, Sproinggggg!!!!
Wow!!!! Whatever was I thinking? I see your Dream now that I’m Wide Asleep. Thank you my Dear Brother. Oh Thank You, Thank You. Praised be his Name, and may all Surrender Themselves to His Dreamy Dream of a Hope Filled Rainbow of Orgamasitronic Bliss.
Clean up in aisle Siii…Muh Pants!!!!
Teee Heeeee!!!!
Now you can feel My Surge!!! Praise Be His Name, and pass the Napkins because that Glazed Doughnut was both Yummedly, and Messy!!!
Stay Strong People!! “Raise Your Hands in the Air, and Wav’em Round Like Ya Just Don’t Care. (8)”
I’m off, but I shall Return Soon, and when I do, it will be in Triumphedlyness!!!
Until then…
And with that he is away. Away to that land Among the Clouds where a Rainbow is more than just a Rainbow.
Meanwhile, high above the Earth, unnoticed by Satellite or Enamored Americans…
This is 12 of 13 to the Borg Cube. Can you hear me? All is proceeding as planned. The humanoids will soon be Assimilated, and the Earth Shall Be Ours.
This is the Hive Ship. We are pleased to hear that 12 of 13. Return to the Ship immediately. The Queen wishes to meet with you.
I’m en route now. 12 0f 13 out.
B of Jorn out.
In a secluded part of the Hive Ship…
Wha’s tha status of ‘er Mission Queen? Is it Accomplished? Ah have a banner made up n’ everythin’.
Keep your Cool Chimpy of II. We still have a great deal of work to do before we can go hanging banners.
Gosh dern it. Ah’s really likes muh banners, n’ such.
>
I know you do Chimpy of II, but Patience. Patience.
Queen, Pardon the Interruption, but you have an incoming Urgent Message from One of None.
Put them through B of Jorn.
Queen this is One of None, can you read me?
Proceed with your report One of None.
Our plan is ahead of schedule. These Humanoids Bitches be Eatin’ this Hope Shit like a Hooker at a Bukkake Party.
Excellent One of None. Return to the Hive Ship, and we will prepare for our invasion.
Soon the World will tremble beneath the Might of the Borg, and they Too Shall Be Assimilated. For Resistance is Futile.
AAAAYYYYYY!!!!
Yesssireee Bob!!!
I feel ya Queen!!! Resist this Mutha Fuckas!!!!!
Change is on its Way.
To be continued…?
1) Martin Luther King Jr.
2) Jesse Jackson
3) Elvis Costello
4) FDR
5) Henry Hampton
6) R. Kelly
7) Various Wingnut Politicians
8) Various Rappers
Jonestown 
These Humanoids Bitches be Eatin’ this Hope Shit like a Hooker at a Bukkake Party.
This is why I keep coming back.
Thanks for the dedication, Fairlane. I’m honored more than you can know.
WTF? I am roaring. Fairlane. This should be seen by everyone. In the world.
This is an amazing post- funny, smart and on target.
Oh the rainbows are calling me!!!!
Tralalalalalala!
To borrow from Kelso, NOYCE!!!
Just excellent.
Cool, funny and on target.
One dog = one dog brain.
Two dogs = half a dog brain
Three dogs = a third of a dog brain.
Now I like dogs but you get the idea.
wow. you really nailed it though!
That’s some hope-assed hoperation wrapped in a de la crunchy candy shell and filling the bukkake barrel up to the bounteous brim, right there.
;>)
gawddurn, that were funny. altho ah didn’t unnerstand them “borg” refrensiz. is them’s on tayvee or sumpin? ah thawt tha only thang on tayvee wuz Fox News, tha wurd uv th’All-mitey!
wouldn’t that be “martian” luther king, jr.?
I had to come back. This shit is too funny. This I can tell you- I fell asleep after seeing this and I dreamed of carebears and rainbows ‘n stuff. It was like so sweet and good and so hopeful ‘n shit.
Darkblack wins the comment of the day prize, btw. Hoperation. Loving that.
Of course, he nailed it. Fairlane’s a clever guy and this is a great post, but gee whiz, has nobody been listening? What about Obama is not part of the Borg? He’s an aristocrat. He’s a Fundamentalist Chrsitian Freak. He’s a homophobe. And he’s running George W. Bush’s 2000 campaign. He’s got Colin Powell advising him on foreign policy. And he’s a petulant, stuck-up, spoiled momma’s-boy who needed Oprah Winfrey and Pat Robertson to save his ass. I don’t give a fuck if Obama is darker than nighttime in Texas. I had to share a room with my sister until I was 15 and experienced a childhood “in the streets” because of economic circumstances, not as a post-college social experiment. So, I really don’t give a flying fuck at the moon if African-Americans feel inspired by this jackass or if his expected cohort — the weak ass knee-jerk liberals — feel inspired. I really don’t.
African-Americans showed me what they were made of when they fell into line behind Clarence Thomas and when the OJ verdict was announced. And knee-jerk liberals showed me what they were made of when they got all wet in their privates because Lieberman was Gore’s VP choice and were ever so ready to fall in lockstep behind Bush after 9/11. Fuck ’em all sideways.
But a last chance for those “men” out there who support Obama. If you think there’s something “masculine” about voting for a guy who has his cock and balls tied up in Oprah Winfrey’s apron strings, instead of for “Hillary,” mazel fucking tov.
Choke on this, then.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/0214081obama1.html?link=rssfeed
I don’t happen to think there’s anything particularly unmasculine about two guys getting it on. But I know all of Obama’s African-American male supporters do and about 80% of Obama’s White male supporters do, as well.
So, happy fressen from the delicatessen.
I am just going to love to watch Gumdrops try to pull that jive against McCain. I really am.
FAIRLANE: What would be a Kelso comment without PART DEUX?
Would someone please explain to me why I should be happy in the slightest about Barack Obama? Dave already gave me HIS reasons and they’re fine for him but they do nothing for me.
I just don’t KNOW any American Obama supporters whom I respect. I can’t find any Obama supporters in Panama. Everyone whose opinion I value either supports Clinton, bailed out after Edwards, or after Kucinich, or didn’t believe in the system, or are Republicans.
Please someone tell me something that will make sense to me.
I have very good material reasons for supporting Clinton which have nothing to do with Gumdrops or Hope. Clinton supports Frank-Porter; Obama does not. Clinton is steadfast in her pro-choice position; Obama is not. Bill Clinton is singularly responsible for the Panama miracle. Barack Obama’s closeness to Pat Robertson, Colin Powell and Joe Lieberman suggest that at some point in an Obama presidency he will take a run at Venezuela and might well send the US military back into Panama. It’s irrelevant to me now because I have national health and can get Blue Cross/Blue Shield for $100/month with a $300 deductible, but she has a comprehensive health plan. She has a timetable for withdrawal of US fighting forces in the Gulf. She is not a homophobe and she IS a Democrat. Obama and his campaign have insulted my intelligence with one vacuous speech after another and have insulted my second language and all who speak it.
If a single thought about macroeconomics or finance entered Obama’s head, it would die of loneliness. Clinton is fluent in that language.
Yes, I know she’s a corporatist. Yes, I know her politics are several paces to my right on most issues and a pace or two to my left on economics. I’ll settle for agreeing with her 60% of the time. And since when exactly did one of the best and most beloved presidents in Amerian history become everybody’s favorite whipping boy? Nobody has yet to explain to me fully what The Big Dog did wrong exactly. A brilliant career has been completely tarnished because some rich momma’s boy got his panties twisted up?
I really have to agree with what I hear down here. LOS GRINGOS SON UNOS ASQUEROSOS DE CLASE UNO-A.
I just had to add this great link to the mix.
Found it at BlueGal.
Holy hopefulness candies, Fairlane; you tied all the corporate mo-fo’s together with a rainbow and a my little pony. Beautiful.
I hope that someday I can come up with a post this funny. Sorry to have hoped. I hope that I can never hope again. Dammit! Hope is nefarious and evil!
“Lenny, if you can tell me why I shouldn’t fire you without using the letter E, you can keep your job.”
Wowsers& shit!!!!! That was good! No, actually it was really good. No, more like, ya know, fucking really good. Or maybe really fucking good, like, ya know!
Awesome! Absolutely brillo-pads!
HJ
I’m glad everyone enjoyed.
We must embrace Hope with every ounce of our Creamy Centers.
Darkblack– That comment earned you a spot on our Blogroll of Blessed Blessings, and Lovedlyness.
Ten, and Skippy– Appreciate the Linky Lovification of Lovliness.
Fran– I’m still waiting for my stat counter to hit 6 billion. Keep me updated on your progress.
Oh, that person doesn’t like me.
Suzi– All I get is “Noyce?” You were really pissed about the cake comment I see.
Susan– I was so overcome with Deliciousness I didn’t understand your dog comment at first.
romius– Once you witness, there is only one path. Join us my brother in Sweet Sugary Blissification.
Commander– Share in the Spirit, and embrace the Rainbowy Joy.
Pissed– I knew you would appreciate the Scrumptousness.
dguzman– Once you are touched by his Rainbow of Delectable Delights, you are one with the Universe.
randal– It is through Hopefulledness that we find our true meaning in this world.
Kelso– I’m beginning to think your dislike of the man is bordering on pathological.
Cripes!!
okjimm– It was beyond good. It transcends good, and heads straight for Ultimate Holiedlymaterializationnessednessism.
Absolutely. I feel about him the way Jerry feels about Newman. There are worse pathologies. This one carries a positive social externaility.
This is the funniest damn thing I’ve read in quite some time. Not to pimp your ride, fairlane, but it’s genius. Comic genius. I couldn’t stop laughing.
Hilarious, fairlane. I’m proud to be engaged to you.
I got all distractd by the pitchers! I caint process this! Translation please!
Woohoo! Sparkly stuff. And rainbows!
Was not! I thought the cake comment was hilarious in true fairlane style. Yesterday was just one of those shitty, too busy to even eat properly kind of days so it was Commenting Lite. To make up for it, here you go…
The American People don’t care about substance, reality, accountability. They want to be MOVED, to be ENTERTAINED. It’s false sentiment, false hope, false vision. Look at what we call reality TV. That is not reality, by any philosophical definition. Politics is no different from consumerism. It’s all about image and has nothing to do with the reality behind that. People don’t want to hear about domestic or foreign public policy solutions. They want to hear about Change, Hope, Sunshine, and Rainbows. They want to CRY and CHEER, not THINK and SOLVE. fairlane, you and I have both been accused of being cynical, pessimistic, jaded, etc. But how many more fucking examples do we need to give of what motherfucking idiots people can be?
Your post is brilliant because it counterpoints symbols of ridiculousness and homogeneity with genius humor and insight. So, there you go.
HJ– Good to see you kind sir, and much appreciated.
Kelso– Don’t you go starting shit with my writers now. I know you hate him, but I don’t understand why. Look at the Rainbow Goodliness, just look at it will you?
JWN– If I could only turn my genius into some kind of money making endeavor.
I have a beautiful bride to be, and I’m running out of Plasma.
Scarlet– Speaking of my bride to be.
You truly are one cool Dame.
DCup– You picked up on what’s most important, the Rainbows of Lovedly Sweet Tenderness.
Suzi– I sure am glad you came to write with us. You, D, JWN, and the other non-commenters make me proud.
I don’t know what you’re talking about when you mention “jaded, pessimistic, and moi” in the same sentence.
I’m the coverboy for “Smile Jesus Loves You” magazine.
So I haven’t read this post yet, but the pictures are hilarious. I’ll have to come back to it.
The reason I’m here is that I’m live blogging the debate tonight and wanted to let you know in case you would like to come over and contribute your two cents (or more would be cool too). Anyone is welcome as it could just me talking to myself (which I’m ok with, but more people will probably be more fun). Anyhow, hope to hear from you tonight!
Jen
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LOL! fairlane, I think I love you, man. 🙂
I have hope now, I feel the change, we are the one we’ve been waiting for!
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It’s still minty fresh Fairlane, and yes, accurate as hell.
Regards,
Tengrain
Can I just say Fuck Obama? Twice even? Dude is showing us how much of a damn tool he can be lately.
What Tengrain said. And I must add: Our plan is ahead of schedule. These Humanoids Bitches be Eatin’ this Hope Shit like a Hooker at a Bukkake Party.
Fairlane, you use your tongue prettier than a $20 whore.
Still sticking with what I said the first time.
I can remember a few of your other posts that would be just as accurate.
Pissed- You made me blush.