11 Easy to Follow Steps for Living a Blissful Life

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I apologize for Reposting, which is only slightly better than re-gifting, but, America, you’re just not that Creative. You continue to struggle with the same old Same Old, on the daily. And it makes it Difficult even for Cosmically Gifted people such as your Humble Author, to come up with New, Winning Shit.

Besides, I get tired of Repeating Myself (Unless it’s one of those Cool Self-Help Mantras such as- “It’s not me. It’s the Boils on Your Ass”).

Next time you’re in a bookstore and you really want to know about the “State of the Country,” check out the “Self-Help” section.

I love to wander over on occasion to gander at what ails my fellow citizens, and I’m never disappointed.

Christ, we are seriously Fucked Up!

Books on Relationships, Making Money without getting off the couch, How to Have Sex and Actually Enjoy It, How to Find Yourself, on and Fucking on.

We are a truly Sick People.

In the Bible, it says, “Love Thine Enemy,” but how can we when we don’t even Love Ourselves?

I think the answer is Obvious.

Americans can’t even get along with the people they Love much less dish out Affection to some Poor “Towel Head” in Iraq or Iran.

“My wife is leaving, my kids despise me, I make $10 an hour, I’m struggling with Erectile Dysfunction, I’m afraid of Intimacy, and I’m out of touch with my Inner Child, so Fuck You, Muhammad! Nuk’em All!”

Again, Christ.

The “Self-Help” section is a Monument to a Failed Empire. A Tribute to the Consequences of Excess, Apathy, Greed, Lust, and All Around FuckedUp-edNess.

“Woe Is Me!”

We collectively Cry.

America is a Twisted Self-Parody, and anyone with even a Remnant of Brain Matter must cower in Terror when they read our Tour Schedule, and see the Headlines,

“American Circus Coming to a Town Near You. Fall 2009. Don’t Miss It!”

The World’s collective spine Shudders in Anticipation.

Take our “War Against For Freedom” in Iraq. Who in their Right Fucking Mind thinks a man like George W. Bush had any Business doling out advice on What’s What?

The Mother Fucker is a Goddamned Drunk. Being a Drunk is an Admission that-

I Cannot Handle Life. It is Much Too Difficult.

And in Chimpy’s case, it’s Even Worse, as he Grew Up in a World of Luxury, Low Taxes, and ZERO CONSEQUENCES.

Chimpy is Exactly the type of Person for whom the “Self-Help” section was created.

Speaking of Charlatans handing out advice.

In our daily “Advice Column,” they recently dished out some Dietary Suggestions to one of their Lemming readers. Okay, that’s cool, Americans Eat Shit, and don’t take care of their bodies. But here’s my problem. One of the women Dishing is about 70 pounds overweight.

Shouldn’t the person telling you how to live your life know how to live their’s?

I’m no Saint, but even I have enough sense not to stand in front of one of the Drug Addiction classes I once taught, Chiefin’ on a Blunt. (I’m not passing my weed around a room filled with a bunch of Hepatitis Riddled Junkies. That’s Fucking Nasty).

Americans get it Coming and Going. We don’t have any Fucking Idea how to live our lives, and the People Dispensing Advice to Us like Cola Flavored Pez –

Don’t Either.

“Pre-Marital Sex is a Sin. Repent! Repent! Repent!”

“How old are you?”

“31, why?”

“How old is your Son?”

“15.”

“And how old were you when you got married?”

“23.”

“Shouldn’t you be shutting the Fuck Up right about Now?”

I think one of my favorites is Ann Coulter, and the Gems she hands out about Relationships. That Bitch hasn’t a Fucking Clue about what Makes a Successful Relationship, yet she has the Balls (Literally?) to Chastise others?

FuckYouVeryMuch Ann.

Americans are Miserable, and the Book Sales are The Proof.

If you purchase one book this year make it “How to Love the People You Love” Number One on the New York Times’ Best Seller List for 30 weeks straight!

Shirley knows her shit when it Comes to Cumming!

A must read for anyone confounded by Zippers!

Until I read “It’s Not You; Your Girlfriend/Wife Just Has A Huge Pussy,” I was embarrassed by the size (Or lack thereof) of my Cock, but today I pull down my pants without a Modicum of Shame. If you, like me, suffer from Tiny PeePee Syndrome this book is the one. Five Stars, and 3 inches, Straight Up!

If you read this book, then you are more than likely capable of Reading!

Look Man/Woman, whatever, I worked as a Counselor, and I know the Shit works, but let’s Face Facts;

You can’t Crip Walk if you ain’t willing to put in the Work.

Donna Jo Hogsmasher may very well know how to make Tacky Knick-Knacks, but painting a Fake Porcelain Sweater Wearing Teddy Bear is not the path to Enlightenment. (Damn, I hate that “Country Art” Bullshit).

Standing in front of the Mirror for 20 minutes each morning repeating, “I am not a Douche Bag” is not the key to a Successful Career or Relationship.

If you’re 100 lbs. overweight, instead of waiting for a Miracle Pill or buying the book “More of Me to Love,” how about getting off your Ass and Exercising? How about By-Passing Mc Donald’s on your way home from Wendy’s?

You don’t “Need” a TripleFuckingCheeseburger to compliment your 64 ounce bucket of Chili.

You’re not “Big Boned,” Okay?

And it’s not a “Gland Problem.”

You’re DEPRESSED!

I’m sorry your Father is a Prick and your Mother is “Emotionally Disconnected.”

Welcome to the Human Race, Sweetheart.

Sure, sure, I’m being “Mean,” and it’s not Fair to Judge the Downtrodden.

Mother Fucker, we’re all Downtrodden. Take a Look around. This Ain’t No Fucking Shangri-La. Life is one Brutal Son of a Bitch, and that’s when things are Going Well.

I’m sorry this is the case, but it is what it is.

We’re Disintegrating, All of Us. As you read this Rant, your Heart is growing Weary, and the Neurons in your Brain are breaking Down. You, Me, Ann, and Ms. Hogsmasher are Rusting, but Unlike the Tin Man, an Oil Can ain’t going to Save Us.

That’s what these books are, Oil Cans. Yes, for a couple of days your joints don’t Squeak as much, as you Shuffle through Life, but it never Lasts, and before you know it you’re off to Borders to pick up the latest Insipid Dreck “Dr. Phil” is Pimping.

You know the answers, they just may not be what you wanted. But everything is going to be Alright, just repeat after me;

I am not a Douche Bag

I am not a Douche Bag

I am not a Douche Bag…

Swans

For the Love of Life


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~ by fairlane on August 26, 2009.

16 Responses to “11 Easy to Follow Steps for Living a Blissful Life”

  1. “In the Bible, it says, “Love Thine Enemy,” but how can we when we don’t even Love Ourselves?”

    Oh Fairlane, that just about says it all.

  2. That’s actually a pretty good post; I like the idea of tracing the book sales to see how friggin’ miserable we are. I always used to think when I worked at a large office that the prominent presence of poems like Footprints at differnet work stations were a sign of some sad, maudlin people.

  3. hey fairlane, i came by to visit again (bad blogger – hardly visits – rarely posts comments – what’s worth saying anyway) but i really do agree with you.
    bob dylan does a caddy commercial – he always has been a controversial sonofabitch so what’s new? does it disgust me? yes, but then again maybe it’s his way of saying it’s all over anyway baby blue.. what do i know?

    where’s frank zappa when you need him? ‘you’re all wearing uniforms and don’t forget it’. never the same show twice and i went to more zappa concerts than to any others and deliberately never saw the rolling stones – except the day charlie watts knocked me over coming out of a store in montreal and his body guards picked me up and dusted me off. the stones are the darlings of elderly surgeons – yes, in th or’s and loud – patients knocked out anyway.

    yeah, i work in the medical industry although that’s not what it was called when i began. working for urologists for a few years was fun. you wouldn’t believe what people will do to themselves to try and increase their level of satisfaction or maybe you would but let me tell you one or two: no names so i can’t get in trouble with hippa (geez what a joke). there was the guy from up river and he and his wife had a body piercing-tattoo artist come visit. they convinced him a little dumb-bell device through his glans would really give him and his lady a lot of pleasure. it got infected and by the time he came to us for cure the only thing to be done was removal of two inches. guess they don’t even have as much fun as they used to do. then there was the lawyer from another city who had been engaging in some anal fun and was unable to remove the dildo. somehow he drove 30 miles to our er (cause he was too well known in his own city) and our guys were called in. they used retractors and a flashlight and attempted a grab but every time the touched ‘big boy’ (the name on the visible end) it started up again so they had to wait 2 hours for the battery to run down. the resident who told the story cried with laughter. yeah, people surely are funny.. i mean they-we really are. one of my favorite regular calls to take was from guys who wanted ‘enhancement’. it just isn’t done. no matter what anybody says no urologist in the country will provide this service and the only docs who ever have done were plastic surgeons out to make a fast buck. tendons that support the penis can be cut and that makes the unit seem longer but with the result of losing support. yes, boys, they can fracture and sometimes do – since it’s erectile tissue and not bone what happens with a broken on is that next time there’s an erection it curves around the broken (or now blood starved) part. standing around the corner from the toilet is a distinct possibility. so far as making one wider.. well that can only be done with fat and since that’s not a natural part of the mechanism it tends to clump up in an unattractive way.

    the last uro story is this – every so often somebody would call about donating a testicle. why on earth anybody would want one is beyond me but the calls did come. they all assumed the hospital would pay them a lot of money – obviously having no clue as to the meaning of the word donate. this is not a transplant procedure. can’t be done. go away. or.. as i used to enjoy telling them towards the end of my time there – yes, sir, we’ll be happy to help but we only accept the entire package. hahahah

    this is your punch and cookies. don’t say i don’t pay my debts 🙂

  4. Was I supposed to be laughing out tears while I was reading that?

  5. Definitely a culture-specific problem. Down here where I live among the brown people who speak that language Lou Dobbs hates so much, everybody eats and drinks whatever the hell they want whenever they want including all the fast food you know and everybody’s thin. And there’s no shame whatsoever in sex. Sex is sex is sex and it’s fine, whatever. No reason to carry on about it. Taxes are low. Unions are strong. National Health. Contraception over the counter. Abortion is free. Gay marriage legal. No standing Army and de-militarized police. Economy growing at 10% per year. Small amounts of drugs for personal use either legal or decriminalized depending. Everybody’s laughing all the time. Even skate-board kids like the anthem and the flag, not that anyone makes a big deal out of it. The bookstore has a children’s section. A current fiction and non-fiction section. Literature. Sports. English language. Reference. Business and finance. Not much of a selp-help section. Who would need it? Everybody’s too busy making money and fucking.

    And it’s not like here is so special. It’s like this everywhere else in the West and in South Africa and Down Under.

    The immigration flow is one-way here. Towards us. See how many Panamanians you can find in the US. I wouldn’t be surprised if it were Mariano Rivera, Carlos Lee, Manny Corpas, Cornelio Velasquez and Fernando Jara. There’s your census. OK and their friends and families. Find an Argentinian, Chilean, Uruguayan or (yes, “Dr.” Rice) Venezuelan. You can’t. There’s no need to leave. Why would anyone want to leave a mellow place with a high standard of living for a police state that’s not growing economically?

    Lou Dobbs has it all wrong. You WANT a lot of Mexicans coming in and not because they’re willing to work cheap, but because they MIGHT bring some reality to you and your culture.

  6. In the Bible, it says, “Love Thine Enemy,” but how can we when we don’t even Love Ourselves?

    But that’s the problem with a whole lot of wingtard Chimpletons. They have only been able to love themselves. Having to rely on a calloused hand for the first 35 years of your life will undoubtedly leave you pissed off.

  7. Fran- Actually I could say more, but I’m trying to keep my posts shorter. A recent survey said that 85% of Americans won’t finish reading a blog post longer than 1500 words. (To be honest,I made that up, but I imagine I’m close).

    Mr. Roach- I hate those sappy “Words of Encouragement” people hang in their cubicles.

    Susan- People are funny ain’t they? I had a friend who used to work in an Emergency Room and she’d tell me about the freaks, and the bizarre things they do to themselves.

    It’s funny, but at the same it’s kind of sad.

    Scarlet- Were you watching the Chappelle Show?

    K Man- Americans definitely have the market cornered on being lost souls. This is what happens in Empires. The inhabitants get bored, and over time lose their humanity. We have too much stuff, but not enough Stuff.

    If you know what I mean?

    Jolly- There’s a difference between self-centeredness/selfish, and love. Just because a person only thinks about what they want doesn’t mean they love themselves. In fact, I’d say such behavior is contrary to the very idea of “self-love.”

    Although your point about the “calloused hand” is well taken.

  8. The whole rant sizzles and pops.

    Coulter and Ingraham are particular favorite hypocrites of mine. I love getting marital and parenting scolds from two women who’ve never been married or supported kids.

    I could be considered financially successful were it not for my obligations in the form of shared DNA.

    But then, I’d be told I’m a failure because I’m not filling a woman’s traditional role by two manly spinsters.

    There I said it.

    Now perhaps I could offer them some dating tips from a woman who’s been married for almost twenty years…..

  9. Kelso: Where do you live? Sounds like heaven on earth.
    And Fairlane, well done. One thing I have noticed is that getting rid of cable and the tv has made me happier. Advertisers exist to tell us that our lives are shit unless we buy X. It’s amazing how much better everything seems when you cut out as much of that crap as you can.

  10. Fairlane-

    I’d say you talk too fucking much, but i can’t because every rant here is so spot on. Sometimes it makes me wonder why I am even wasting the energy to write when I can just open the drain valve on my angst in your comments section. Really. This is good stuff.

  11. CabreadoEnNuevaYoll:

    La Republica de Panama

  12. Ah. I was thinking maybe Costa Rica, which I hear is lovely and peaceful. Thanks.

  13. It’s true, the classics are just as good when read a second time. And a third…etc. Great repost. I’m feeling a little blue today. Probably the barometric pressure since Hurricane Danny is going to give us three days of rain. But partly because everything is so fucked up. Obama is “leading” just as I expected. The Wall Street types can barely contain their excitement about upcoming bonus season. Health care reform is a joke. And the company I work for–which is doing fairly well, by the way–hired some consultant douchebags to see where cuts can be made and they just laid off 20 people yesterday. No, make that fired, because those people are not coming back ever. Now 20 isn’t many given the number of people in my office, but apparently they are looking for positions they can outsource. Now my job is fairly safe, but my neighbors? I don’t know. Today it felt like I was in a village where some people just died of the plague, a few people are coughing and everyone is wondering, who’s next? Thing is, I am in a better position than a hell of a lot of people in this country. But we aren’t out in the streets. What will it take? Sorry for the morose little rant.

  14. D’accord, Fairlane. The only function that the vast majority of these books are good for is to stuff humanoids’ noses into and slam shut repeatedly until we feel better.
    Of course, the prognosis isn’t good, but as there’s so much of the ‘cure’ around we can at least press forward for the sake of the children.

    ;>)

  15. hah! I obviously said enough last time but your post is still totally relevant. I hate that ‘country art’ bullshit too.

  16. I appreciate the pity comments.

    Sorry, but I moved this week, and I am a serious dawdler.

    And that comment was awesome, Susan.

    And, and, Country Art FUcking SUCKS!!

    Ceramic cows, pigs, Holly Hobby looking children.

    Dreck!

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