I am an Eggplant. you are a Walnut. Coo. koo. swine flu

everyone has a sob story.

these days-

what kills me is the expectation=

of what?


this is babbleon, baby

can’t you see that i’m on the phone?

dishes, diapers, dirty rags, bosses, bills, and nag, nag, nag…

today, i read a comment on facebook written by a clammily bearded, toffee nosed glory holer who so graciously took time out from his regularly scheduled game of skyrocket billiards to wanker on about how television has reduced little jimmy underoos’ pie eating floorboard to rubbish

oblivious to the babe ruth that he hisself proffered said p stone nation whilst on facebook, which is, without a kilgore trout, the most well attended circular toss off on captain kirk, the closeted shirtlifter has the jackson pollocks to give the what for to the old gogglebox for buggering up little jimmy’s bright future.

makes one ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence.

no time for the old in-out, love. i’ve just come to read the meter.

right, then.

that’s enough margaret wang for doris day.

you’re a clever enough edvard munch. you get the spike lee joint-


of course you do.

i must say, the most entertaining aspect is the douche bag considers himself to be somewhat of a Guru.

shit you not, homies and homettes.

once offered to “enlighten” me if i agreed to visit him on, you guessed it-




that’s his answer.

that’s the great scourge eating away at the fabric of society.

50 years ago he’s blaming rock-n-roll.

claims to be one of the select few on the planet privy to the “True” meaning of life.

god almighty, what a Poof.

i’m tempted to post his picture.

with what appears to be either a smoking jacket or a bathrobe, parted hair, and a chuck norris type full-on beard, dude looks like a pseudo-intellectual retrospective on pedophilia.

i know, i’m mean spirited.


i’ll own it.

mahatma gandhi i’m not.

but i promise, intrepid reader, you’ll never catch me gallivanting about in a goddamn terry cloth bathrobe claiming to know the Meaning Behind It All-

There Ain’t No Such Fucking Thing.


if there is

I Promise-

it sure as shit isn’t in the sole possession of some Tosser on Facebook.

for Fuck’s Sake.

television is no more or no less Insipid than it ever was-

are you telling me those Cheeky White Sitcoms from the 50’s and 60’s weren’t abso-fucking-lutely Mind Numbing, Life Draining Monstrosities?

of course they were.


television didn’t turn Americans into a Gaggle of Incurious Twats.

what did?

well, I’m only theorizing here, but i’m more apt to blame the 99% of our DNA we share with Monkeys and Apes.

You ever watch a nature show about Great Apes?

Only thing great about those fat fucks is their appetites.

no joke.

lazy mother fuckers.

well, occasionally one jumps up (scaring the shit out of the film crew in the process) to either bum rush another male or to hump an unsuspecting chick ape.

here’s the average day in the life of a Great Ape-

1. eat

2. shit

3. sleep

4. keep others from taking stuff

5. hump (when, and if possible)

(yep, sans an item or two, depending on age, pretty much reads like a “To Do” list for the majority of the people on Planet Earth).

all that without the Brain Melting Inanity of “Grey’s Anatomy.”

*for the record, let me say, “Grey’s Anatomy” should be banned under the terms set by the Geneva Convention. Hell, just flipping past it causes Laboratory Rats to jab out their eyes in protest*

sure, sure, you’re the Sophisticated Sort. You’ve evolved, and are no longer Slave to your Animalistic Urges.


I bet you turn down pussy left and right because women are, after all, people, too. and you probably forgo meals out of love for the starving children in Biafra (besides, poop is “Icky”). and i know you put off sleep because there just isn’t enough time in the day to hand over all your possessions to those schlubs who seem to be standing on the side of the road at every Fucking Freeway Exit on Earth!!

(I hate it when people use “whom” incorrectly. It’s pretentious)

Dear Friends,

Isn’t blaming Television every bit the Indicator of Moral and Intellectual Apathy, as blaming “Fags,” and/or “Mexicans?”


I got sidetracked-

That’s not really my question (Although it is a good one).

here’s my real question-

why are people insistent on following/becoming/handjobbing the Swami?

(Speaking of Suomi. Real Quick- Olet minun kaunis tyttö, ja että ei koskaan muutu 😉

Seriously, what is this American Obsession with Inner Peace, and yakkity yak, and blah, blah, blah, blah, and yadda, yadda, yadda…and so on and so forth, and…

I honestly don’t Understand.

I mean, what the Fuck is “Inner Peace” anyway, and if you found it, how could you possibly stand living when 99.99997% of the residents here are ill adjusted Freaks?

It just don’t make no sense.



That’s the best your Swami, you, and your beard can come up with?


No wonder my posts never make any Fucking Sense.


~ by fairlane on February 15, 2010.

9 Responses to “I am an Eggplant. you are a Walnut. Coo. koo. swine flu”

  1. I saw a TV show about ‘Making Fucking Sense’. I think it was on the Food Channel. I don’t remember any eggplant or walnuts but I do recall them saying that you needed 50 lbs of ground Snark. I must be off now to hunt a Snark. toodles

  2. Your post makes sense to me, Fairlane, but then again, they always have. Maybe it is because I got rid of cable TV in the 90s?



  3. I don’t understand people who point to something and say “That’s it! THAT is responsible for all of this evil!” Really, fucktard? THAT has been around in some form or another as long as humanity has existed. So maybe you’re not the special genius you fancy yourself to be and maybe it’s just that humanity IS the fucking problem.

  4. Damn, if I have to monkey around at least give me back my prehensile tail.

    Cable only works right if you plug it in your ear.

  5. Someone stole Hotpockets? Fucking desperate.

  6. I have to agree with Tengrain, but I didn’t purge until 2004. You always make sense. As for your tosser friend, let him think he has the answer. He can bore those poor souls stuck in a room with him with his theory until he is left yelling at the reflection in his mirror.

  7. I am eggplant you are glue everything you say gets cooked at 375°.

    What was that flick where the Catholic school kid kept on saying “to whom, brother” and then everyone got baked?

  8. ‘pseudo-intellectual retrospective on pedophilia’.
    and p stone nation in the same post? Whom is responsible for this?

  9. ok, ten- on one hand i appreciate that you understand me. on the other, you’re both fucking nuts 😉

    suzi- he believes LSD is a pathway to enlightenment (timothy leary). he’s nothing more than a myna bird.

    susan- the ear? damn, no wonder!!

    lisa- “good morning!!! you’re about to call in sick. hot pockets…”

    pissed- “tosser.” nice.

    randal- just for you.

    dave- ha ha ha. that pedophilia line is my favorite. if you saw his photo, you’d be like, “yep.”

    as for the “p stone nation.” come on, man. you know i ain’t no rookie.

    p stone nation fit perfectly into my rhyming scheme.

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