Tiger Woods Hits the Hole, but Misses the Point
After watching about three minutes of Tiger Woods’ apology, I came away with two questions-
1) Is Tiger Woods human?
Tiger Woods’ personality is about as authentic as Sarah Palin’s winking eye. Dude is wooden, to say the least. Whenever they zoomed in, I expected to see a DENSO Robotics logo on his neck.
Seriously, if you’re going to apologize for being a scumbag, at least muster some semblance of emotion. If nothing else, FAKE A TEAR.
It didn’t help that after months of speculation, he refused to answer any questions. And to make matters worse, he delivered his Staccato Speech in front of a hand picked audience (A la Chimpy Mc Stagger), which only reinforced the widely held belief that besides being an Automaton, he’s a Complete Fucking Control Freak as well.
2) How long before Wingnuts begin eying Tiger as a potential Presidential Hopeful?
Who better to carry the torch for the “Party of Traditional Family Values” than Tiger Woods? (The only thing that would make his canidacy better is if instead of having sex with women, he had sex with adolescent boys, in airport bathrooms, while under the influence of meth-amphetamine).
But Tiger’s appeal goes beyond his Genuine Love for All Things Family. Tiger, unlike Sarah Palin, doesn’t have to pretend he has a Penis, which, and let’s be honest here, makes him much more palatable for a party that continues to depend way too much on people still pissed about the outcome of the Civil War.
And if Tiger can somehow convince David Vitter to be his running mate? Damn, now you’re talking about ticket that not only has its Dicks/Ducks in a Row, but one that has the added advantage of being able to campaign without having to stop for restroom breaks.
Imagine the Campaign Slogan-
Woods/Vitter 2012- Whether You’re Coming or Going, You Betcha’ We Gotcha’*!!! (*Sarah Palin may not have a Cock, but her “Folksiness” is like lipstick on a pig. Or, in this case, a couple of pigs).