Teabaggers in the Morning

Cross posted at Black Magpie Theory

“I don’t really understand it, but I like what they stand for…They just support everything I’m looking for — lower taxes, less government.”
(Terry Rushing, 63,  responding to a survey about the Tea Bags)

In Short, I must Report, as long as they Purport, to Support-

Who gives a Shit if ï Understand?

In  Mr. Rushing’s Defense, he’s not the only one nonplussed.

Seems most Tea Baguettes™ ain’t exactly Crystal Clear when it comes to explaining Exactly What the Fuck.

Hell, even in Agreement, the Tea Baaaaaa™ lack Clarity.

Take the so-called Specter of “Big Government.”

Help, Help!, Big Brother’s Comin’ tuh git muh.

Lions, Tigers, and Oddly Mustachioed Men, Oh My!!

Yepper, the Tea Bagged hates Big Ol’ Meanie Pants Government sumpin’ awful.

Shit, some are so Horrified, they’ve resorted to busting out the  poster board, and Crayola’s-


Not only that, but to show their Pretty Much, Fairly Serious Commitment to “Learn English or Get Out,” they try really, really,  REALLY hard to use some of that there Book Learnin’ for Fancy Town Word Spellin’.

The problem (Aside from the seemingly Contradictory Literacy Message) is-

There seems to be a Smidge of Disagreement in regard to what Exactly  makes the Government Too Big, and what Exactly qualifies as Irresponsible/Out of Control Spending.

For example, a whole mess’uh Rea-Tarty members are in the Upper Echelon of the Age Scale.

Yesiree, Billy Fuckin’ Bob, they be A lot of Old Ass Mother Fuckers Sporting Solecistic Sign-ery whilst exposing Paper Skin to Scorching Sun.

All in the Name of Liberty.

(Take that You Statist Whipper Snappers!)

And what has these Concerned Not Too Distant Future Nursing Home Residents up in Flabby Arms?

Well, they Wants tuh Know-

When is Adolf Niggler™ going to get his Big Gummint, Slimy, Commie Colored Hands out of  Medicare, and Social Security, and into the pockets of those Lazy, Good for Nothing Trickster, Crack Smoking Swindler, Big Butt Having, Wide Nosed-Breathin’ All the White Man’s Air Negroes running around like they Own the Place?

*And don’t fergit them Mexicans, too*


Well, it don’t take a Peregrine Falcon to peep out the Potential Difficulty these Fossilized,  Scraggy Scalawags create for the Pee Party.

Defending S.S. and Medicare  don’t exactly jibe with the Toe Tag’s Fundamental Libertarian Message (Which I now present to you Live and Uncensored)-

Yo, Fuck Your Momma!™*

(*Double if she doesn’t own at least 10,000 shares in a Fortune 500).

In the Libertarian Mind (a Cosmic Contradiction if there ever was one), a Gummint Program is a Gummint Program is a Gummint…

You get the point.

The Point Being (Just in case)-

Social Muh-Curity, and Med-uh-care be Gummint Programs, and Gummint Programs Got’s tuh Go.

Besides, my Kid’s School needs that $$$ for a New Indoor Pool(Slash)Tennis Complex

Sorry, Nana, but Hit the Fucking Bricks. Ain’t my fault you’re on a Fixed Income.

You can see what a Dicey Situation this is for the Hee Farted crowd.

I mean-

When 50% of your “Anti-Government” Movement is comprised of Soylent Granny™ and the Medicaid Brigade, your “Anti-Government” Message seems a bit Disingenuous.

Just a bit.

The Message is even further Compromised when you take into account that the Majority of  Boz Skaggs (by their own admission), regardless of age, reside in Suburban or Rural Wreel ‘Merica where “Wealth Redistribution” is

Life Blood.

Sweet Bread.

The Fountain of Pay for my kid’s New Indoor Poor(Slash)Tennis Complex.


(Oh, and the Racism ain’t helping much either).

I must admit, I be confused.

To the naked eye, it appears the Knee Scabs may actually Lub Sweet Pappy Government every bit as much as the Socialist, Liberal, Nazi, Monarchical, Nationalistic, Timocratic, Anarchist, Consociationalist, Theocratic,  Despotic, Corporatist, Plutocratic, Confederate, Kleptocratic, Commie, Magic Negro™  Queer Lubber Livin’ up Yonder in the Brown House (Did I mention the Racism?).


Speaking of the Racism.


Where to begin?

The Flea Bags are Obsessed with Race.

Turn to Fux Newd™ (Bare of Talents™) at any point in the day, and you’ll hear at least one Pasty White Tweedle Dee bleating on, and on about-


Some Black Chick “falsely” accused Some White Dude of being a Racist.



Some Black Chick discriminated against Some White Dude because he’s Some White Dude (Reverse Racism).

Holy Shit, Me. oh. My. The Tea Tarded™ get Hard over Reverse Racism.

Fucking Love It.

Which is Odd considering the fact that most of these Mouth Breathers are, as we discussed, Rural or Suburban Dwellers.

I’ll admit, I don’t go out there much, as I’m not a fan of Chain Restaurants, and/or Strip Malls, but I’ve seen Suburbia a time or two, and the place ain’t Exactly screaming “Racial Diversity.”

Architecturally Redundant.

Okay, I’ll give you that much.


“Racially Diverse?”


And Rural ‘Mericuh?

Undocumented Workers do not a Melting Pot make (and let us not forget that in Mixed Company, Meat Shaggers are Vehemently opposed to the Mexicanization of “Are” America)


The point being, for people with Minimal Exposure to Minorities, Tea Bags sure Have More Than Their Fair Share of War Stories involving Reverse Racism.

Of all places to Perpetrate Their Evil Plan of Revere Raciamentalizationism, why Blacks chose the Burbs where they’re Outnumbered 100-1, I’ll never understand.

I can see the Memo now-

Tomorrow. P.F. Chang’s™. One O’clock. Sharp.

Oh,Don’t Forget.

Wear Dockers™.




Seems a Tad Unbelievable.

Just a Tad.

I’m 40, I grew up in a city, lived in cities in other states, traveled to other cities, interacted with numerous Minorities (Friends, Co-Workers, Clients, Acquaintances, Lovers) and not once did I ever experience any Reverse Racism.

Well, there was that one time in college when I worked for Papa John’s™, and as I was a coming back to my car, after making a delivery, a black kid, around five years old, called me a “Honkey™.”

Maybe Gwenn Dreck™ can track the kid down.

Probably grown, and all Black Panthery by now, Hellbent on Reverse Racisming everywhere he goes.

Don’t go back to Mexico. Stay Here! Live with Us.

You’re my friend, Whitey. Your Whiteness is what makes you beautiful.

I have Black Sheets, and they’re on…My Bed.


Take that Ku Klux Klan.


Reverse Racism.

Fucking Morons.


To a Reasonable Person, such Contradictions, Inconsistencies, Apparent Dishonesty, Obvious Pandering, and Ironic Literacy Concerns should, at the very least, bring into question the Pee Hag’s Sincerity.

But alas-

this is Wingnuttia after all, and in Wingnuttia

Reason ain’t Exactly (?) a  Residential Requirement.

Truth is, tis a monumental mistake of Epicurean Proportions to think Dipshittery is in anyway a Deterrent to the Palindrones of the world.


Makes perfect $Cents$


~ by fairlane on September 15, 2010.

5 Responses to “Teabaggers in the Morning”

  1. English, who needs that, I’m never going to England.

    You know, all I ask is that if the feds are gonna spend all the socialist cash on munitions and such, that I get my own tank.

  2. Great post, can’t think of another thing to say that you haven’t covered! Love that, “Respect are country – speak English” sign.

  3. Fuck….. no wonder I like this place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lissen… iffen you drink beer with middle aged white men from Wisconsington? lemmmee buy you a beer…..

  4. Great idea, Randall – with tanks we won’t have to waste any more federal coin on all that crumbling transportation infrastructure. Talk about your killer commutes.

  5. Telling people everything they want to hear inevitably leads to contradictions. Assuming any of these Tea Party loons win an election, they will have a thing or two to learn about the contrast between campaign/protest placards and actual politicking. But then, they eat their own when they are actually in the Washington Machine — seen how they revile (former TP darling) Scott Brown lately?

    Which is probably why Princess Palin will never run for any office anywhere ever again. If you stay comfortably in the pundit/troop-rallying class you can (a) make lots and lots of money and (b) swim in contradiction with no consequence. The whore!

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