Fred Thompson- For God’s Sake, Give It Up

•August 29, 2010 • 2 Comments

Fred Thompson (Son of Used Car Salesman) is an Obese Buffoon.  A Smug Pumpkin of a man. His Head Empty as Stupid, if Stupid were a Second Rate Actor with Age Spots, and Burgeoning Memory Loss.

Safe in his Sacrosanct Perch HIGH Up. On. Mount Twitter, Fred Thompson reigns down upon the World with Glib Humdingery, and a Turnip Truck Conservatism Hell-Spawned from his Geriatric Medicine Cabinet.

One can almost Hear the Insipid traveling Hyper-Speed across his Infinite Platitude Laden Incuriousness.

Ah, yes, Freddy Thompson. Good Old Fredward W. Thompson (I don’t think his middle initial is “W,” but it should be).

Freddy, Freddy, Freddy, Freddy, Freddy.

Is it ironic to Fill Empty Space with Empty Space?

No.

Fred Thompson- the 27th Incarnation of Ronnie “Ron” “Ronald” “Ronaldo” Raygun.

Christ, every Fucking Dipshit Wingnut in the Universe claims to be the “Second Coming.”

However, I must admit, Freddy Boy does have a case better than most (Let’s take a closer look)-

Shitty Actor (√)

Lazy (√√)

Cliché, and Clever in Lieu of any real Intellectual Depth (√)

Memory Problems (Huh? No, we don’t want any insurance)

Claims to be a “Big Picture Kind of Dude” to deflect attention away from fact he has Poor Eyesight as well as Limited Intellectual Functioning (Pass the Jumbo Blocks)

Phony, Down Home “Common Sense” Appeal (Dern Tootin’)

Old as really, really, really, Very Old Dirt (√)

Enjoys cheese from Jars, and Cans (Cheeze-a-Licious)

“Tough Guy” image that’s more “Fantasy Football” than “Gridiron Warrior” (Gip, Gip, GOO-RAY!)

Giant, HUGE, Bulbous, Empty Head (tIn nach!)

Birdbrain wife (Cheep, Cheap, Chirp)

Lazy (Did I already say that? If not, dude is Fucking LAZY).

Fond of Buffet Style Restaurants where food tastes like Water (Waiter, Check, Please)

Umpffffffttt. ‘Scuse me.

Hmmm. As I said, he does make an interesting case.

But I’m not convinced. I mean, A Lot of people are Lazy Shit for Brains. That Doesn’t make them Presidential Material.

Well, even if it does, I’m not buying Sir Napsalot as the new demi-god of ->

Com-Serve-I-tism.

Not just yet.

I know. He is in possession of many of the Bone-A-Fides, but we’re talking about Ronald Reginald Sgt. York O’ Reilly Reagan here, not Newt Gingrich or some other Second Rate Cunt for Hire.

This is the Real Mc Coy, people.

The Mantle cannot be passed along without a Great Deal of  Deliberation. We’ll have to have a meeting, and then a Conference, and then another Meeting about the Conference, and then yet another Conference (Except this time a Teleconference), and, uh, we’ll need to Pray. Oh, Holy Fuck, will we ever need to Pray. Might even have to Fast For a Few hours. Self-Flagellation may be involved, as well. I mean, you never know with these kind of things.

And even after all that work, we still won’t be close to the Finnish. Not Remotely.  (Fuck, have you seen the “Quality of Life” Surveys?)

That’s it, but with more Lurch.
Perfect.

Look, America.

I know you yearn for a Savior, and nothing Screams “I’m Here” quite like a man 5-7 years away from Shady Acres Senior Citizen Recreational, and Residential Facility, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

We need to take a Deep Breath, count to 10 or 4 (depending on your personal preference and level of Brain Damage), Check Our Inventory, and have a Moment of Silence.

Okay.

Ready.

Everyone together now-

Breathe In…

Ommmmm


Or…a  product of Incest

Damn.

I am Utterly embarrassed, My Voyeuristic Lovelies.

After searching the depths of my Soul, Looking over the Data, and running a few Calculations, it seems I may owe Freddy McNappy Pants an apology.

It seems he Truly, Truly, Really (plus Sauce) is Re-Reanimated Ronnie “I Can’t Recall” Reagan.

I just hope he’s reading.

Oh, and that his Thyroid Medication hasn’t kicked in yet.

A Personal Message for Dr. Laura

•August 16, 2010 • Leave a Comment


I stuck a six-inch gold blade in the head of a girl

I say this without a Hint of Arrogance:

I Spin Gold, like Rumpelstiltskin.

Whilst Mother Fuckers climb the ladder with-

“Facts have a well known Liberal Bias.”

Ugh.

Here’s a Little Known (But should be Well Known) Fact-

eh.

I’m stealing your First Born. And if you can’t keep up, I’ll get your Second, too!

Maybe that’s Sociopathic, but=

This is the State of the State at this Stage of the Game.

Not an Excuse, and even if it were, doesn’t make it any
Easier to Accept , I know.
But I’m not some Boot Licking Step n’ Fetch.

(Just don’t tell DoKKKTur Laura).

Dr. LauraShe: lyin through her teeth-Him: lyin on his back

This Part coming up is…Parody.

Here. And, Here. Oh, and Definitely-

Here.

Pure Satire, Baby.

Breath it in.

Enjoy the relief b/c-

Unfortunately.

I’m writing in Real Time from the real world, and that Blueberry Acid I dropped about 15 minutes ago? Starting to Kick In.

and

the canvas is melting, and I’m getting the Sense that all this Sense is starting to make Way too Much Sense for one with such Tender Sensibilities as yours truly.

Just think of me as Salvador Dali (If he weren’t such a Goddamn Fascist).

As of now, the world is on Hopi Time.

All at Once.

See, you want to move from Line to Line. Moment to Moment.

You wish to find your way between periods, and commas, and EXclamations, but this is a Painting-

Not Arithmetic.

Look around.

It’s not what I’m saying that matters, but what you think I’m saying. Because I’m bound to say any Fucking thing that pops into my demented mind as the only Filter I Have is Chock Full’a Holes.

Truth is, maybe neither of us are correct in our Assumptions about what’s going on here, at this moment-

Right…Here.

Shit, how am I supposed to know?

I’m just smart enough to get myself into Serious Fucking Trouble, but barely Enough to get myself Out.

Dr. LauraHands off this one, hands off she cried grinnin at me from hip to hip

I told you I spin Gold, Baby.

and as you well know, Gold is more often than not=

Gaudy. Excessive. Ostentatiously Ornamented. Tacky. Over the Top.

Well, here we go, bitches!

Up, and Up, and Up, and…

Okay. It’s an acquired taste.

I can write differently if you, please-

For example

Sarah Palin wants you Dead, but not until you $$$$ Up.

Straight Enough, for

You?

Most people opposed to Gay Marriage base their opposition on the Fact that they find Gay Sex-

“Gross.”

Simple Prejudice.

Following that Ayn Randian line of Reasoning- LetItBeKnown->

I find the whole “Au Naturale” Craze

“Gross.”

and as a Favor, I wondered-

Can we ban them from Getting Married?

If not

How about from Appearing in Public, which I’d actually Prefer.

If god wanted us to smell like Patchouli, and Onions, he wouldn’t have invented Water.

Sure, I’m the Elitist.

Hands off, pretty baby. Tough bone then so soft to slip

This is Chaos within Chaos placed in a Box of Absurd adorned with a Pretty Red Bow Hallucination (For Good Measure).

Or maybe Music.

De-Constructed-Devoid of Melody, Rhythm or Obvious Purpose.

A Maelstrom of Sonic Confusion.

Noise.

An orgasm without a Climax.

Sure. That’s probably about Right.

Then again.

Probably Wrong, to0.

Making sense out of nothing at all.

Shit,  I do that every Fucking Day.

Dr. LauraI stuck a six inch gold blade in the head of a girl

Sharks fin slices, sugar-bed slices

that pretty red hair

I love you, Now me, I love you

Laughter, laughter

Oh baby, those skinny girls, they’re so quick to murder

Oooh yeah

Shake it, baby. Shake. C’mon. Shake it, baby.

Shake…

Lazy Like a Fox

•August 5, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Is Fred “Lazy Like a Fox” Thompson the Re-Incarnation of Ronnie Raygun?

Find out at black magpie theory.

Dear Fred Thompson

a bit of the old ultra-violent

•July 28, 2010 • Leave a Comment

My latest post at the new abode.

If you haven’t dropped in to pay us a visit yet, please do.

We have refreshments.

Real Horrorshow…

Tea Baggers in the Mourning, and magpies at Night

•July 21, 2010 • 1 Comment

My Inaugural post be up at our newest hangout.

Stop In.

Say Hello.

Shit in a Bag.

Put it on our Porch.

Light it on Fire.

Ring the Bell.

Whatever.

Tea Partiers, Sarah Palin, Reverse Racists, Howie Mandell, Mel Gibson, Dom Deluise, Retards, and that One Dude from that One Show

Enjoy

This Post is for the Birds

•May 24, 2010 • 7 Comments

Greetings.

I’m not big on formalities, so, I’ll get right to the point-

A few friends (D-Cup, D-Cap, Tengrain, Phydeaux, Suzi Riot, Reasic, Utah Savage, Dashiell, others yet to be named), and I are starting a new project, and we’d really appreciate your support.

We’re calling it black magpie theory, and it promises to be every bit as fun, controversial, avante garde, and all around kick ass as Jonestown was during its heyday (Without the Barbie Dolls, of course, But don’t worry, I promise to curse more than ever to make up for it 😉

So.

I’m sending out the call to our friends who’ve supported us during the last couple of years.

Stop in. Say hello. Let us know what you think.

Help us spread the word.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Gracias, amigas y amigos.

**and if you’re wondering, i plan on keeping Jonestown open. not ready to give up the Bachelor Pad just yet.

Evelyn Wood meets Laura Bush

•May 4, 2010 • 2 Comments

Last week, former First Lady Laura Bush released her new book – Spoken From The Heart.

First of all, the title is misleading as Mrs. Bush has no heart.  All you have to do is listen to a few gems from La Welch-Bush to see where a cardiac chamber might exist, an empty hole sits:

Remember this quote from the Today Show

“No one suffers more than their president and, uh… and uh I do.”

or this one

“Well, I’m obviously disappointed. I thought there were — I thought we’d find weapons of mass destruction, as did the world…On the other hand, I believe we made the right decision because Saddam Hussein was not only a tyrant, but he was a threat to world peace. He had the capacity to make weapons of mass destruction. Even though we hadn’t found the weapons themselves, we certainly know he (had) the capacity.”

or this one about Michael J. Fox

“Of his advocacy efforts, Mrs. Bush sneered, “It’s always easy to manipulate people’s feelings.”

or my personal Laura favorite:

Dr. (Condoleezza) Rice, who I think would be a really good candidate, is not interested. Probably because she is single, her parents are no longer living, she’s an only child. You need a very supportive family and supportive friends to have this job.

So, in my best efforts to save you $16.19 (the going rate on Amazon, but coming to a dollar table near you soon) – I have three pictures that sum up the entire Spoken From The Heart:

That darn stop sign was just too small

Mmmm good