Johnny Wingnut Comes to Town, and Car Jacks an Old Woman

So-

Johnny Wingnut paid his first visit to Jonestown Headquarters last week.

Yep, his first visit.

Did I mention we’ve been Friends for Years?

(What a FUCKING CONTROL FREAK)

Mr. Wingnut, and I, along with several others, are currently working on a New Project, which is one of the reasons I’ve been absent around teh Innertubes as of late (I apologize, and can only hope all five of you will continue to visit).

Ah, that Wingnut Johnny.

Let me warn anyone who might be, for whatever reason, considering inviting JWN to their home, he’s not only a Fucking Control Freak, he’s also a Goddamned Mooch.

Let me set the Scene-

Johnny prances in, and almost immediately starts Bitching about how everyone expects a Handout, and how the “Welfare State” is killing America, and the next thing you know, he’s Eating All of My Jalapeño/Pineapple Pizza.

“Welfare State” my white arse.

You would have thought my house was the Fucking Red Cross.

Oh, first he asked for some Apple Juice because, “I don’t drink Louisville Water,” (Welll, excuse me Captain Fancy Pants), only to let it sit stewing on my computer desk.

“Truthfully, I need something with Caffeine.”

I bet you do.

I imagine Mooching is-

Exhausting.

So-

As I’m watching J.W. cram slices of Pizza down his Craw like Sally Struthers, he starts in with the-

“There just aren’t any real Conservatives anymore.”

“Really? I always thought Conservatives were like Big Foot because they only existed in the Imaginings of very Gullible People. When have we ever had a Real Conservative?”

(Christ, did I set myself up with that question)

“Reagan.”

“Reagan? That Racist Bastard? Reagan was a Conservative?”

“Yepper.”

“You’re Fucking Kidding me right? Maybe I’m thinking of a different Reagan.”

“Nope, we’re talking about the same person.”

“You mean, Ronald “Deficit Spending, Corporate Welfare, Eat the Poor, Trickle Down My Pants Leg, What’s this Button Do?” Reagan?”

“Yepper. He was true to the ideals of Conservatism.”

“Ronnie Raygun was a True Conservative? Didn’t he almost TRIPLE our National Debt?”

“Eh, deficit spending isn’t anything new.”

“No, but Ronnie took Borrow and Spend to once Unfathomable heights, and it was he who prepped the Canvas for the eventual Masterpiece known, in Civilized Society, as- Chimpy of II. Surely, you jest.”

“Nah, Reagan was the man.”

“Alright Crackie, step away from the Pipe.”

(The Conversation continues like this for the duration of his stay)

“Reagan was a Fascist!”

“Nope, that’s Liberal Propaganda.”

“No, saying Madeline Albright has, or ever had, a functioning vagina is a Liberal Propaganda. Reagan was a shitty President, and it is he who helped create the Corporate State we all currently Enjoy.”

(You get the picture)

So-

What are we to conclude from Johnny’s little visit?

1) Apparently, there isn’t a crumb of Food in the Wingnut household.

2) If it came down to brass tacks, Johnny would eat all the pie, and leave his friends to starve.

3) Johnny smokes Copious Amounts of Rock.

4) According to Johnny, Senile Old Bastards are the only True Conservatives

(I may agree with # 4).

Speaking of Smoking, and Memory Loss-

My Late Grandfather had Alzheimer’s, and he Smoked.

In fact, he smoked like a Fucking Chimney.

I can still see him sitting in his chair with a Raleigh precariously hanging on the edge of his ashtray. (Those Raleigh’s are a Man’s Cigarette. They’re so nasty strong they won’t stay lit if you set them down for more than Ten Seconds).

Anyway-

One day I realized he wasn’t Smoking anymore, and asked-

“Where’s the Raleigh?”

“Oh, he quit.”

“He did? Shit, I didn’t think he’d ever quit.”

“Well, he didn’t really quit. The truth is, he forgot.”

“Damn.”

~ by fairlane on June 1, 2008.