All Ashore Who’s Going Ashore!

Before I begin today’s Episode, let me Thank Everyone for participating in the Little Sociological Experiment I like to call, Jonestown.

As you may, or may not know, Jonestown Reached the 5000 Comment Mark earlier this week. Of all our Accomplishments, and God knows they are Too Numerous to Count, this is the one I’m most Proud.

Muchas Gracias Amigos y Amigas.

Now, let’s begin.

I hate Pauly Shore.

I mean, I Fucking Despise that Hack.

One of my good friends thinks Pauly Shore, along with Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler, and Carrot Top, is “Hilarious.”

Personally, I find such admissions Offensive, and have given a Great Deal of Thought to Ending our Friendship over this issue.

Pauly Shore is not Funny.

But he’s more than Not Funny.

He’s Symptomatic of a much Larger Problem in this Country, and Maybe the World.

(To all Wingnuts, if you want to End Abortion, here’s your Man. After watching one of his movies, people will stop having Sex out of Sheer Terror)

Scarlet, my Auburn Haired Empress, and I were recently discussing Pauly Shore, and the “movie”- Bio-Dome.

According to Wikipedia, Bio-Dome is the “Worst” reviewed movie in History with a Domestic Take of only 12 and a quarter million dollars (No info as to how much Shore made, but, Remember, he was considered “Hot” around this time, so, I imagine the Sphincter did alright for himself).

I won’t tell you that My Empress admitted she kind of liked his movies, but I will say, during our conversation, I experienced Severe Chest Pains.

Pauly Shore is beyond Explanation.

He’s so Heinous, so Insulting, so Insipid, so Asinine, so Moronic, so Utterly Dipshitty, that attempting to Express His Perniciousness is equivalent to describing the Concept of Eternity.

It cannot be done, at least, not by Mortals.

“S’Up, Bud?”

While “researching” for my post, I stumbled upon this Review of Bio-Dome-

“This film is bitchin! Pauly Shore with his ability to destroy any script steals the show from every other cast member, including stars with amazing film pedigree like Kylie Minogue (Street Fighter).”

“Amazing film Pedigree.” Street Fighter…

Out of respect for the Reviewer’s Parents, I’ll refrain from posting his name (If I did, I’d be tempted to find out where he lives, and pass along the info to one of the Gangstas with whom I used to Work).

Do you understand the Threat this poses to All of Us, America?

I’m not being Histrionic when I say, Fuck Al-Qaida, this is the Real Threat to our National Security.

The Enemy is Within, and he has a Perm.

Think I’m Exaggerating?

Here’s an Excerpt from another Review-

“I’m happy to admit: I think Pauly Shore is a genius!”

Notice the Exclamation Point.

Einstein, Sir Issac Newton, Da Vinci, and Dave Chappelle are Geniuses.

But This?

“Rock On, Dude.”

Speaking of the “Gifted.”

Paris Hilton made an appearance on David Letterman Thursday.

She was there to Pimp her new Product Lines-

Hair Extensions, and Dog Clothing.

This is what it says on her “Paris Extended” website-

“Everyone should get the chance to be me. That’s why I created the world’s hottest hair extensions. Choose from ten fabulous shades and you will be a clip away from hotness.”

Excuse me for a moment. I need to Gather Myself…

Okay, I was able to at least un-ball My Fists enough to continue typing.

“Hey, is that a Praying Mantis in a Bathing Suit holding a Sandwich?”

America, forget the War in Iraq, the Recession, Chimpy Mc Stagger, and the Sell Out Democratic Party.

Wars end, Recessions Pass, Chimpy, and the Democrats, well, they’re not going anywhere, but we have a more Pressing Problem.

There’s SOMETHING Seriously Wrong with US!!

Now, please, don’t get all Defensive. We should know one another well enough, at this point, and unless I specifically call you out, it’s Nothing Personal.

I, as hard as it is to admit, am Somewhat Guilty, too (I said, “Somewhat”).

America, We’re Retarded.

Seriously.

Look around you, and you’ll see that we’re Drowning in Our Own Puddles of Drool.

Paris saying everyone should have a chance to be Her is, 15 Years Too Late.

We already are Her.

I’m not saying we should Sit Around in Smoking Jackets, discussing Hegel’s Phenomenology of Spirit.

That’s a bunch of Horseshit, as well.

Being concerned about the Epidemic of Dumbass, does not imply one must be a Supercilious Twit.

But something has to Give.

Is anyone really Surprised that for Seven Plus Years (Seems like my Entire Fucking Life), Chimpy Mc Stagger has sat at the Desk in the Oval Office?

Really?

Isn’t Chimpy the Logical Conclusion to our Sudden, and Steep Decline?

After all, if we’re Stupid, doesn’t it make sense that our Leaders should also be Stupid?

I just don’t believe anyone, and I mean Anyone, has a Right to act Surprised.

Chimpy is what he is, a Chimpy.

Twenty years ago he was a Chimpy, 30 years ago he was a Chimpy, 40 years ago he was a Chimpy, and 20 years from now, he’ll Still Be a Chimpy.

Chimpy is, as Chimpy does.

He didn’t Sneak Up on Us.

Oh, no.

Mediocrity emanates from him like Radiation from the Hydrogen Bomb.

We saw him coming, and we said, “Gosh, I hope he chooses Pauly Shore as his Running Mate, then we can have Two Regular Guys running the Show. That’d be Hilarious!”

Yeah, it’s Real Fucking Funny.

~ by fairlane on July 12, 2008.